Give Yourself Away

I am a very broken person. I am not happy much these day, I am sad and confused for the most part. I am pissed off at God, I am having a hard time trusting anyone, including God. I feel pretty much messed up. Now before I go on, I would ask that I don't get any comments that you can find on a Christian T-shirt or bummer sticker, I know those well thanks.

I have been wounded badly. My heart is shattered. I know God loves me, I know God is the One I am supposed to put all things in, but I am still a human, with emotions, who feels pain. I do not understand how someone can hurt another person so badly and go on in life as if nothing ever happened. I really don't understand. I cannot understand why things have happened in the last six months that have happened. I am pretty pissed at God because I feel like I am following Him the best of my ability only to be let down by Him. My self worth is zero, a big fat goose egg, zero! I feel as though I am healing and then the scab is just ripped off, and the huge hole is made a little deeper.

Why do I have to feel? I am tired of it, I was numb, it was nice, until today. I want to be numb, I do not want to feel. y heart aches for someone who does not know how to handle a heart, even her own. I struggle everyday to not let those around me see the pain I am in, to see the completely broken person I am inside. I don't know what is real in people and who is being a fraud. Trust me I am not a good judge of character. This has been proven as I believed someone enough to let them in to a part of me I have guarded for years. A trespasser into the most vulnerable part of my being. Someone who I don't even know is real or not.

My life will never be the same. I will never be able open that part of me to another person, to open up and say sure come on in, this is my heart, I put it in your hands, please do not break it, it is fragile. I guess I have given it away to too many people who are just going to mishandle it and punt it like a fourth down football, because they give up on the drive. I have given it away more than God ever intended to give to another person. I have nothing more to give to another human.

What is left is all I have and it belongs to God. He owns my heart, my eternal heart, which I gave to Him many years ago. He has protected my life in ways that I may one day share here, but I do not understand why He has kept me alive. I feel like it is some kind of punishment to live in this world of brokenness. To live a life that is just hurt after hurt after hurt. To live a life that is never seems to "get better." I was told this evening by a friend of how proud they were of me and see such a huge difference in me in the two years they have known me. Truth is, I just feel like I am more numb now than I was two years ago, four years ago, ten years ago.

I remember the days before I hurt, before I hurt others. I remember those days fondly when life was pretty simple and I didn't have this part of me that I threw away to whoever wanted it. I apologize here for whoever God may have had planned for me, I have nothing to give if you ever come my way. Sorry for giving away that part of me that would have made a more complete person for both of us. I guess if you want to find it I can give you the addresses of those who each hold the part of me I should have saved for you.

Maybe better days will come, or maybe my life will continue to be consistent.