Koinonia-Greek For It Happens, But I Can't Explain It

I came across this word while reading "WIDEOPENSPACES" by Jim Palmer and it struck a nerve with me. It didn't jar me in a negative way, but in a "duh" kind of way as if I knew and understood this all along. Yet, I still do not have a clear understanding of it which I can articulate how I understand it. He writes " "Koinonia" ("fellowship of the Spirit")-the spiritual union of people with God and one another." This helped me to understand, mind you not really articulate, the connection I feel with people at times.

For the most part I feel horribly disconnected, distrusting, and all around dislodged from what I thought I understood. I am able to tell close friends of mine "I do not believe my existence, or lack there of, would make an impact in anyone's life." My self-esteem is pretty much non-existent at the moment for many reasons. At times I feel a connection that does not quench my desire for human connection, but is satisfying none the less. Make sense? Well it doesn't really to me either.

So this word "Koinonia" is Greek for it exists, I know it does, but I cannot explain it in any form that will do it justice. It is been the one constant in a completely inconsistent life I have had. It is this deeper connection than what I am fully able to wrap my little brain around, yet I know without a doubt it is real. It is a beautiful reassurance, in a time when I need some sort of reassurance, that I am not totally alone. It is an amazing gift, one that I agree with Jim is up there with "Grace" and "Love," just two other words I have no idea of how to understand them, but I fully rest assured in the realness of them.

When This Is All You Have To Say...

Shawn
yo

Mike
sup

Shawn
snew?

Mike
whatsa snew

Shawn
whatsa whatsa?

Mike
whasa

Shawn
what whasa?

Mike
whvaign cmpouert trblues
tpygni swlo

Shawn
hooeh?

Mike
ti mstu eb bkrne
o

Shawn
mstu eb

Frustrated

Frustrated is a word I use to supplement all logical thoughts. I was made aware of this a couple years ago by my friend David who said "you know you sure say I'm frustrated a lot," in which my only reply was a blank look.

I use this words when anger, hurt, confusion, misunderstandings invade my head. I cannot put a logical thought together to process all that has happened. It is my fail safe word, it allows me to be honest with people without having to tell them what is going on. It is not that I don't want them to know, it is purely do to the fact I cannot articulate what is really going on with me. I cannot put into words the hurt and thoughts that are on a constant collision course in my skull.

I would like to write something more than "I am frustrated," but truly I can't. I cannot find the peace, the space to relax, the place where my thoughts can flow from my brain to my figure tips. It is up there somewhere being pushed around and bullied by emotion that has not been dealt with. By pain which is too comfortable to move out of the way for my own good. By hope that stands in defiance as the only remaining thing I recognize in the crawlspace between my ears that is not sorrow.

Hope is there for something, a something that is impossible to define because I am frustrated.

Like Everyone Else...

I breath air,
like everyone else.
I work to sustain life and fulfill the debts incurred,
like everyone else.
I desire to have a life with meaning,
like everyone else.
I want to be known and recognized,
like everyone else.
I want to feel special,
like everyone else.
I want to be rich so I can see the world,
like everyone else.
I desire to be happy,
like everyone else.
I want to be accepted,
like everyone else.
I want to feel loved,
like everyone else.
I think I have a unique view of life,
like everyone else.
I desire to do something great,
like everyone else.
I love the ocean,
like everyone else.
I love the mountains,
like everyone else.
I love to see people happy,
like everyone else.
I want to belong,
like everyone else.
I want to be different,
like everyone else.
I want to see a better life,
like everyone else.
I want to know my future is bright,
like everyone else.
I want to be remembered when I am gone,
like everyone else.
I want to be different than everyone one else,
like everyone else.
I could make this lists go on and on,
like everyone else.

Rose

Walking through the Rose garden sun beaming down on my face,
I close my eyes and bask in the freshness of life at that moment.
I have never walked though this place,
I have never passed by so many flowers calling me with dew drops on their pedals.
I am content with the breath of life drawn into my lungs,
the feeling of being held by the sun as I stroll down the the pathway.
The urge to pluck just one flower slowly leaves me.

I am almost through the garden now,
I can see the gates just up ahead.
I turn to gaze upon this beautiful rose,
perfect in every way.
It's a name I am familiar with,
it is one I have dreamed of.
I cannot resist,
it is in fact the one I have been looking for.

I gingerly embrace this beautiful flower,
"oh it is the one" I shout.
I take it with me everywhere,
I show it off and everyone admires it's beauty.
Some are jealous I can tell by their tone,
They don't think "I could have found" such a perfect Rose.

The warm breeze starts to wither away at the Rose,
the dry air draws out the color.
Each day pedals drop off,
the soft green stem is turning Brown.
I hold it in my hands crying and weeping,
"beautiful sun what have you caused?"
"Where did the perfect little Rose go?"
I am left with nothing but a thorny stem,
dry, lifeless, nothing to be recognized.

Somewhere in the crumbled mess of fractured pedals and broken stem,
a small round beautiful seed emerges.
What am I to do with this seed,
I am not a gardener?
How do I nourish the helpless little thing,
this leftover mess I have inherited by my own impatience?

I can do nothing,
I bury it and leave it to chance.
Soil, water, sun I give it back to you,
I entrust it to your care where it once came from.
One day it will bloom,
it will bloom a Rose of beauty I could never fathom.

Encourage Expression.

I was always encouraged by my mother in my ability to draw, to write a story, to write poetry as a child. Somewhere in my youth I lost the desire to let my creative side flourish. A very special person, who has always been gravitated towards artistry since I have known her, revealed about herself that she has a desire to pursue the talent she has within. I know my mind works in a weird way. I often see situations dealing with life with a very black and white eye, I have trouble seeing the gray area within the dynamics of relation to other people.

I ran from dealing with life for a very long time. I ran for so long that I forgot how to truly live. I dealt with life in a very unrealistic reality by using drugs to buffer my mind from the true reality that exists. To numb the God given mind I have and not deal with life. By doing this I brushed away all that that God has given me to express who I am. Regaining the beauty is what I have struggled to do for the last three and a half years. To find the balance and rhythm of life and to express my true self through the art in me. A large part of the of finding the freedom to express me is purely the fear of rejection. To be told it isn't good enough, to be told I am wasting my time with it, to be told my outward expression of love is not good enough.

My mother is not guilty of ever telling me my expression of who I was inside was not good enough, but I have been told that I will never amount to anything, that I am a failure, a "screw up" by influential people during a crucial development in my life. The key to being able to unravel the damage done, to sift through the mess I have lived, and again express who I am has happened only because of the security offered to me in love. The space offered to feel loved, to live a life and be encouraged to express the artistic side of me.

I love looking at life through the lens of a camera, I love putting my thoughts and emotions down on a piece of paper that expresses me. Art, I believe, is historical evidence of people's recognition and worship of God who Himself created a planet of beautiful artistry. I believe Pablo Picasso understood a simplistic truth about art and is quoted as saying "Every child is an artist. The problem is how to remain an artist once we grow up."

So whether you express the art in you by drawing, painting, written word, music, whatever way you express the gift God has placed within us, do it knowing the beauty it holds and take a minute to appreciate the beauty God has placed in someone else.

A Collection Of The (supposed) Best and Worst Christian Pick-Up Lines

Okay so there is really nothing in here I would seriously use, but some of them are pretty darn funny. The scary part is some of them are probably used by people...Oh God help my brothers and sisters.

(HT: http://saltnpepper.wordpress.com/)

a collection of the best:

1. “nice bible.”

2. “is this pew taken?”

3. “i just don’t feel called to celibacy.”

4. “for you i would slay two Goliaths”

5. “i would go through more than Job for you”

6. “you are perfect, except with all the sin.”

7. “when Moses struck the rock, water flowed from it like a river. I promise I will never strike you.”

8. “you are so unblemished that i would sacrifice you.”

9. “what, this here? oh.. thats my study bible - it’s a little bigger but i can handle the extra spiritual and physical weight.”

10. “shall we tithe?”

11. “at points in my life i have been referred to as Samson”

12. “the word says ‘Give drink to those who are thirsty, and feed the hungry’; how about dinner?”

13. “i didnt believe in predestination until tonight.”

14. “im not like those other Christ Church guys.”

15. “i believe one of my ribs belongs to you.”

16. “i know Lachlan Payne.”

17. (if no.16 gains no response) “Lachlan Payne knows me”

18. “i went on a beach mission but all I ended up doing was mission you.”

19. “i can be your Boaz.”

20. “my spiritual gift is my good looks… it lifts peoples spirits”

21. “i sacrifice my sunday mornings to look after the creche group. its tough… but i love children.”

22. “is this the transfiguration.. because you are glowing”

23. “i have a job.”

24. “mark driscoll takes up 35% of my ipod memory.”

25. “hey..for you I’d work seven years… and then seven more for your sister.”
(I don’t exactly know how this would benefit the user, but worth a try)

26. “im kind of a big deal at Koorong”

27. “hey good-looking, Ecclesiastes 4:11…”

28. “absolutely. i often throw clothes into the samaritan bin.”

29. “bible-gateway happens to be my homepage.”

30. “im a man who discovered the wheel and built the Eiffel Tower out of metal and brawn. That’s what kind of man I am.”

31. “marry me.”

32. “can I buy you a non-alcoholic beverage?”

33. “i have many sponsor children. one in each developing nation.”

34. ” im one of the fortunate ones..greek and hebrew comes pretty easily to me.”

35. “my favourite species of vegetation is the church plant.”

36. “did i just have mud rubbed in my eyes?”

37. “what’s an xbox?”

38. “now i know why Solomon had 700 wives… Because he never met you.”

39. “i used to believe in natural theology, but since i met you i’ve converted to divine revelation”

40. “i look after widows”

41. “is that a thinline, duo-tone, compact, ESV Travel Bible in your pocket”

42. “why dont i have a bible dictionary? well, i dont really need it.”

43. “bathsheba had nothing on you”

44. ”you put the ‘cute’ back in persecution…”

45. “your hair is like a flock of goats descending from Gilead”

46. “so, can i clothe you in righteousness?”

47. “how many times do I have to walk around you to make you fall for me?”

48. “how would you like to join my Purpose Driven Life?”

49. “if you say no, i will rip out my hair and my beard”

50. “if you say no, im going to tear my clothes, get in my sackcloth and rub dust into my head..”

51. “if you say no, i’m going on a pilgrimage.”

52. “unfortunately i cant perform miracles and ive only got enough bread and fish for 2 people.”

53. “so, my parents are home, you wanna come over?”

54. “let me remove my sandals before I come any closer..”

55. “lets say, hypothetically, you were married. I would send your husband to the front line against the Amorites”

56. “its obvious to me that you sprouted from the good kinda soil…”

57. “feel free to meet me at the threshing floor.”

58. “you can lie at my feet..”

59. “i know its absurd, but every time i walk towards you, it feels like im being lead to bethlehem.”

60. “if i had to choose between a romantic date with you or a night with the fellas… i would sit at home and read my bible.”

61. “i really like your spirituality, it goes well with that shirt.”

62. “welcome to the christian family… the only family where brothers and sisters can marry each other”

63. “i did a love tester on your name and mine.. it came back ‘predestined’”

64. “you’re totally depraved but i’d still like to go out with you…”

65. “you can come crash at mine tonight. i have a separate room prepared.”

66. “i’m a proverbs 32 kind of guy and you’re a proverbs 31 kinda woman…”

67. “im interested in full time ministry, and not only that… i also play the guitar.”

68. “mmm… you really have to watch out for that man of lawlessness.. but dont worry, im not him, so you’re safe with me.”

69. “if we were around with noah… then you, me… pair.”

70. “i arrange the substantial christian section of my bookshelf into alphabetical order. coffee?”

I Give Up.

I am completely broken. Broken means something doesn't work right, it means something cannot be used properly while it is broken. It does not function the way it was made to function because it is not complete, it is broken.

I went through years of counseling to get to where I am at today. for a long period of time it wasn't just a once in awhile thing, it was twice a week, it was intense and very hard. I thought I had grown a great deal, forgiven those who had done bad things to me, felt as though I was loved by a group of people, felt very loved by God. I felt as though I could love and I tried it out.

Unfortunately, from what I have been told, loving someone destroyed them and their family. I have had to live with some decisions that were hard to live with. Have had to take responsibility for my actions and it was difficult, but I did it. I don't know how to live with the weight of knowing I destroyed an entire family by simply trying to love.

If I have not love, then what do I have to offer the world that is worth anything? The answer to that is nothing.

Sleep

I wish I could get some...I was up past midnight, finally taking two Ambien so I could fall asleep only to be laying here wide awake at 5:30am. Normally this wouldn't bother me as it would give me few extra minutes to get ready for work, watch the news, and maybe sit with the "cheers crowd of men" at my local Starbucks as I don't get to sit with the often anymore. Truth is my alarm isn't set, I have the day off and was looking forward to sleeping in.

When I have a lot on my mind, I don't sleep well. I can tell you last night was nothing but I bunch of incomplete, random, pretty much incoherent dreams. I guess I am just a little frustrated with not getting the sleep when really that is all I want. Sleep! Sleep where I could rest and rejuvenate my mind, not be forced to think through the few different things in my life that have stressed me. Whether it be a person, or job, or God for that matter at the minute, I just wanted the mental break of not thinking for a few hours. The only bonus is I can take my camera over to the beach to watch the sun come up and I had an opportunity to watch "Assignment Discovery," on the Discovery Channel, which happened to be informative even though short. I guess it beats the pointless cartoons I had as kids. Then again there is something to being mindless that is therapeutic.

Would You Believe They Put A Man On The Moon?

I took this picture last night, after taking about 40 of them to get my shutter speed correct, and I sat and marveled at the detail we miss with our own eyes. I was thinking about how we miss things today, how we repeatedly do something and sometimes fail over and over again hoping to get it right. Sometimes we are even in situations that are not really all that great and whether or not it is just human nature to not want to recognize the problems in it or if we choose to look past the imperfections in hopes that they will just go away. I wonder if, being followers of Jesus, we tend to look past those imperfections in a way we are not supposed to and miss the point of the entire situation.

This is my struggle. To straddle the line of "I am supposed to love somebody in spite of their faults" and "I am to used common sense and flee from a situation when I see the warning flags go up." I often ask more mature people when in the situations for advice, ironically I know it depends on how I phrase it as to what response I will get from those people. This is a problem because we are basically setting up the person for the answer we "want" to hear, not what we need to hear. If I were to say "well I'm in a situation with person X, person X has has issues, person X says one thing and does another." The response I am very well to receive is "man forget about person X, get the heck out of that situation!" If I phrase it as "Person X said one thing to me, but has not followed through. I know person X is going through a rough time and really needs to be cut some slack. I just don't know what to do." The response I am likely to get would be "well you should be supportive and understanding of person X, none of us are perfect." I set the person up by the wording I choose to use. I think we do this entirely too much. I am not looking for what I want to hear anymore, I am only looking for what is right. What is right is not always easy

I do not say this in response to any one particular person or situation, I use this example as to how we tend to relate to others in both the secular society and a Christian community. I believe most people have a sense of compassion to want to help others who need help. As Christians I believe we are to help those who truly need help, to love those who are truly hard to love and to be supportive of those who reject us.

Getting advice from others is a tricky thing, it all depends on how you word the situation from your perspective. I believe as followers of Jesus we are supposed to love everyone regardless and look at situations from the perspective of the other. This is hard to do, being selfish by nature, but it is doable none the less.

Oh My, Let Me Hide Under A Desk.

(HT: Wally, I think...)

A Little About Me.

So Jenn did this post the other day which she got from someone else, who got it from someone else, who most likely got it from someone else and so on and so forth. I figured I would pass it on.

Attached or single? Technically single, but unavailable.

Best friend? Jenn/David/Justin

Cake or Pie? What is White Chocolate Macadamia Cheese Cake From The Cheese Cake Factory Considered?

Day of Choice? Saturday

Essential Item? Coffee

Favorite color? Blue

Gummy bears or worms? Worms

Hometown? Jupiter

Indulgence? Ben and Jerry's

January or July? January - Because it is beautiful here in South Florida and there is no real craziness to speak of.

Kids? Not at the moment.

Life isn’t complete without- God

Marriage Date? It was to be April 12, 2009...

Number of Brothers and Sisters? 1 older brother

Oranges or Apples? Apples in winter, oranges in summer.

Phobias? Spiders and most creepy crawly things, oh and roaches.

Quote? “I am only one, but still I am one. I cannot do everything, but still I can do something; and because I cannot do everything, I will not refuse to do something that I can do.”- Helen Keller

Reasons to Smile? See someone succeed at something they have been trying very hard at. Honesty. A beautiful sunrise.

Season of Choice? Fall

Type of bed? Full

Unknown Fact? I had a breast reduction.

Vegetable? Broccoli

Worst habits? Currently, not too much, hard drugs in the past.

XRay or Ultrasound? I've had both, Xrays are easier.

Your favorite food? Cheesecake

Zodiac sign? I think it's bullshit, but Aries.

When I Look Back On My Life This Is What I See.

A total wreck, but I was saved in the process.

Personal Goal

As I said in the post before I have set a new personal goal. Funny thing is, I was gently coerced into it with the notion that I would be helping someone other than myself. So the ironic thing is I might not have done it for myself but it is a challenge none the less. I want to do this for me now. It is a challenge. It is going to take discipline, commitment, and a whole lot of self-denial. Will there be rewards? Yes here are some of the personal rewards I will gain when I accomplish this. A since of self-accomplishment as I am not motivated to do it just to spite someone. It is good for my health and is getting me on a track of a more healthy lifestyle (for those who don't know I have lost about 50 Lbs or so since December). And last but not least it will give me the right to say I ran a half marathon.
This may very well lead into me having the goal of running a full marathon after, but it might not as well. I know I will run a number of 5K's in the area during this winter, and to be honest the goal of running a 5K in under 20 minutes again, is more of a satisfying thought than running a full marathon. None the less, training for this half marathon is going to be really good. Mike, being a very intelligent engineer, has already set up a schedule for running this next 13 weeks. It is very helpful to be able to look at something and totally see how it will be accomplished by the time I am to run 13 miles. When I look at it planned out, it is not scary, it is doable. I was scheduled to run this evening but I did. I did because yesterday it felt really good and today I am sore. So the only remedy I know of to help is to go do it again. So I felt good after the run, I don't feel as sore, and I get to run again tomorrow.
Considering my current life situation with personal issues of dealing with anger, the new job I will hopefully be starting within the next two weeks (I will blog about this when it is set in stone) and just dealing with trying to figure out forgiveness and love in a new way, I really needed a healthy stress relief...and I have found it.

Screw Up

I look at myself as a screw up most of the time. being a "screw up" has been a good way to define most of my adult life and the choices I made. Because of circumstances surrounding certain people in my childhood, I was taught pretty well that I am in fact a screw up. I was told encouraging things, by a family member or two, such as "you will never amount to anything," "you fail at whatever you do, so why bother," you know those kinds of encouraging things.

I didn't really understand love. I no longer blame my parents for this, as they were very broken people raising children, and did the best they knew how to do. I do understand and know what it feels like to be loved today. In fact I can even feel loved by my parents and am able to recognize the way they show love. I have been placed in the arms of an amazing community of people who have loved and nourished me back to "health."

It is easy for me to feel like a screw up even today. I fail at things all the time and I am hard on myself for it, but I feel like a screw up that knows he is loved by an amazing God. A screw up that God chooses to use even though I'm a screw up. So am I okay with being a screw up today? Well that depends what you mean and how you are defining it.

I am not that kid who's self-worth on a good day reaches about zero, I am not that drug addict who chooses to get high instead of dealing with life on a day to day basis, I am a person who feels loved by God and a whole mess of people. I am okay with being a screw up when you measure me against society. One thing I love about God is simply the fact I can be completely honest with Him, I can thank Him, love Him, yell and be mad at Him, and the only thing I feel from God is a loving Father.

Today I started on a goal I set with a friend. A personal goal, not having to do with my career, and I am happy with my first day at this new commitment. It is the first time in my life I don't have certain somebodies in the background going "you won't make it," and that being my motivation to complete something. You know what it feels good, it feels attainable and I don't feel an enormous pressure, which makes this goal all that much more enjoyable.

Nothing To Understand

I honestly don't know who God is. How many people that say they are Christians don't know what God's voice sounds like? I really don't. I sit here on the phone with Jenn, a woman I love, a very broken woman and I thought I heard God's voice through this whole F-ed up mess, saying "trust me, just trust me." By the conversation that is happening now, I can say I really don't know what God's voice sounds like in my life because I have hung on, tried to love someone who needs love, tried to love others in the situation that need love, and now what am I left with? Knowing that I don't know God's voice.

It makes me wonder what God's voice sounds like, it makes me wonder if it was His voice what miracle He is going to do, it makes wonder if there is a God. Why do I have the love I have for this person? Maybe I am just one messed up person who has just heard enough good advice from people to pass it on.

Love Is Patient

In Shane Claiborn's "Irresistible Revolution" Mother Theresa is quoted as saying "Love until it hurts, then love some more." I am learning what she meant by this. I have no doubt that God is growing me in an area I needed to grow in through my current situation. To love someone when it hurts is difficult. To be completely blessed by a Father who loves more than ever could be imagined is exactly that, hard to imagine.

To be in a situation where you are unsure if the person you are loving is only using you is hard to judge whether to keep going on or to pull away. To think the reason you are loving someone, being there for them, is for personal gain on some level is even more disturbing. Paul says that he is not even good enough to judge his own heart and that is why we should not judge the heart of another. He says we will be known by our fruit.

I don't know what to do, I don't know what to say, I feel as though I have done everything I can, gave ever logical explanation, gave every logical option, but it is a choice of free will. I believe we are free, God made us that way, but I believe we are free only in Him. We are bond servants only to God if we choose. I choose to be a bond servant of God. He gives me strength to move on each day, to not completely lose the few marbles I have left and to see things through the eye of He who lives in me. What I see is not pretty, it is beautiful, what I see is not fun, it is more work than I have ever had to endure, what I want is not attainable by my will, but only the will of another.

I hope God knows what He is doing, because God knows I sure the hell don't.

Hobbies

I've never really had a hobby, or anything I was "passionate" about other than Jesus, but Jesus isn't a hobby. I have had digital camera for the past couple of years, usually your standard point and shot camera, Sony, Kodak and Samsung were the three I had. I enjoyed taking pictures, but I guess I always felt limited with such a basic instrument.

Well back in May, Jenn and I decided to buy a Canon Rebel XTI partially with a gift card I received for my birthday. I bought the camera on special from Best Buy and it came with a few extras including another lens. It took me awhile, basically because it is a rather complicated device, before I really was able to get into taking my camera everywhere.

Today I have a Hobie, today I take my camera every watching, waiting for, an opportunity to take a picture. Louis Pasteur says "Chance favors the prepared mind," this might be why I carry my camera. So if you would like to see my pictures in depth feel free to check them out here.