Pointless View

Doulos... Slave to...

2010-07-17T14:41:00.002-04:00

The new testament uses the greek word Doulos and translates it to english into "Bond Servant," the concept of being "A slave; one who is bound to service without wages." Explaining to someone why I choose to believe in God, follow God, freely give of my will to God, is hard to do. Bond servant or slave is the easiest way to convey this reason, but it comes at a price. Our society, especially, teaches quite a different concept of our personal freedoms, so the choice to give up our will to something other than ourselves is not a popular idea.

I have been a slave to many things, fear, drugs, sex, hate, anger, and plenty of other undesirable things in life. I struggle to completely give my will over to God and through this struggle, I have time and time again went from slave to slave to slave. The fight to have control is the story of my life. I seem to be a really shitty manager of my own life and it is for this reason I want my will to be in God's trust. I want to be a slave to do God's will, but i am frightened of what this truly means, how this pans out, or what God may want for me.

I am tired of going from slave to slave to slave of destruction and anger to love and compassion. I am thankful that my thoughts are not completely warn on the outside of my mind, maybe everyone feels this way, but I am fed up with feeling this way. What are you a slave to?

Social Justice and The Lack of Love.

2009-10-20T23:19:00.003-04:00

I first want to explain my roots. I was raised in a very conservative evangelical church. There were amazing people who were instrumental in my childhood and who I am today. I was raised in a climate that often promoted the United States Government as an "agent of God," as in this government could do no wrong, God was on our side, blah blah blah. There was no real since of social justice issues being important. I can no longer subscribe to this theology.

I believe in the Kingdom of God. I believe the Kingdom of God has no borders, no politicians, and no higher archaical system in the sense we understand as a society. I am not saying there is no leadership, no structure, I believe the Kingdom of God is very structured, just not in a way that is popular in our society. There are issues within our society that I am called to stand up against. I am called to be a voice for those who suffer under injustices of this world, for those on the fringes of society who suffer the ungrace of people. And I am called to do this with love as a motivation.

Martin Luther King Jr. said "At the center of non-violence stands the principle of love" I believe that love should be the only motive for standing and imposing injustices. I have found this not to be the overwhelming consensus with the majority of those who are in the social justice arena. This is really disheartening. When you are driven by anything other than love, when you stand up for those who need to have a voice in this world, and you do it in a manner which is not honored by love, then you too are an oppressor. Only one disguised as a hero. It seems as though many of us in the "social justice" community have some sub-conscience angst that needs to be released and we have latched onto an exterior fight in order to not deal with interior problems.

Dr. King also said "I have decided to stick with love, Hate is too great a burden to bear." I understand this. I am not trying to discourage those who are wiling to be the voice for the voiceless, I am asking that we do it with love, that we stand out against injustice with one motivation; Love your neighbor.

Losing

2009-10-20T16:19:00.003-04:00

I have felt like I have been a failure more in the past year than I have in a very long time. Truth is I have failed at a lot in the past 12 months. I do not write this as I believe I am in a bad place or that I feel as though I need a hug, but to give a background as to why I have given up.

I have finally come to the conclusion I have very little to say about where my life is headed, or for that matter I am confused. I am living a life at the moment completely out of my comfort zone in ever aspect. This is a good thing though, growth is important to me.

I am on a sort of autopilot right now, I feel as though I am letting go of a lot of things that need to be let go of, my faith is being challenged and strengthened in an amazing way. I don't know how long I will be here in Philadelphia, or where I will go next, but I know there is a learning and life education opportunity here where I am.

I do not discount where I was in Florida, but have a very healthy perspective of the amount of growth, the healthy mentorship and the relationships I developed while I was there. It was time to go though, it was time to leave and be put into a position of fully trusting and relying on God in a way I have not done as I have relied on others so strongly.

I am at peace with where I now. Being at peace does not mean life is easy, it means I am confident I am where I am supposed to be, even though I don't actually know where that is. I miss people who are close to me, I miss the security of the complacency of comfort. Growth does not happen out of complacency and I am willing and I desire to grow. This has been a multi-front assault on areas of my life I need to grow in and I could use your prayers.

Blogging Again at pedalabout.com

2009-09-07T08:32:00.002-04:00

Well I am blogging again and if you found your way here please find your way to my website where I will be updating as often as an internet connection and electricity allow me to on my trip. What trip you ask? Well look at my website.

Nothing To Say

2009-05-17T16:23:00.003-04:00

So I have nothing much to say about life, or the current place I am in, or just about anything else for that matter. So I leave you with a half smile.

The Thumbtrix - Webisode 1

2009-02-20T18:32:00.001-05:00

Okay,
So quick back story. I was hanging out with some friends when I was introduced to "Thumb Wars" the full-length feature. So I share this bit of joyful awesomeness with you in hopes it may bring the same joy to your lives as it did to mine.

The Books On My Shelf

2009-02-14T22:32:00.002-05:00

So I have decided to list off what books I keep on my shelf. These are books I have read and once in awhile refer back to. This does not include the current books I am reading or the ample amount of books I keep in plastic storage containers which I move with me whenever I move. Why I still have these I don't know, but they move with me from place to place. This is my three shelf unit from top to bottom, no specific order implied by what is on them. What books do you keep on your shelf?
Top Shelf-
5 different Bibles
The Anglers Cookbook
4 Ophthalmic Tech books
5 Ophthalmic photographer journals
Writing made simple
and a sketch book that I believe might have some papers in it I have been looking for

Middle Shelf-
"Handbook of Today's Religions" (which I think belongs to Bryon Mondok)
"My Father My Friend" (stole that from my cousin Chris)
"Come, Let's Reach The World"
"The Ragamuffin Gospel"
"Revolution In World Missions"
"The Dangerous Act Of Worship"
"Faith and Force"
"Completely Pro-Life"
"Evangelism Without Additives"
"Orthodoxy"
"Non-Violence"
"They Like Jesus But Not The Church"
"Exiles"
"Refuting Evolution" which didn't quite turn out to be as good as I hoped.
"Just and Unjust Wars"
"Blue Like Jazz"
"Searching For God Knows What"
"Blue Like Jazz"
"Through Painted Deserts"
"Revolution"
"A Generous Orthodoxy"
"Call To Commitment"
"The Politics of Jesus" (or John Yoder)
"The Jesus I Never Knew"
"So You Don't Want To Go To Church Anymore" winner of the longest title...
"This Beautiful Mess"
"Big Bang To Kingdom Come"
"The Chosen People"
"Praying the 23rd Psalm"
"Fossilized Customs"
"Jesus and The Non-Violent Revolution"
"For Men Only"
"Reimagining Church"
"Why Not Women"
"Sex God"
"Velvet Elvis"
"The Irresistible Revolution"
"Jim and Casper Go To Church"
"Hostage To The Devil"
"Divine Nobodies"
"Wide Open Spaces"
"Threatened With Resurrection"
"The Five People You Meet In Heaven" (gracias dad)
"Jesus In The Margins"
"War With No End" (every liberals handbook)
"Angels And Donkeys"
"Bird By Bird"

Bottom Shelf-
"Strong's Exhaustive Concordance
"The Onion- Dispatches From The Tenth Circle"
"The Makers Diet"
"The Search For Messiah"
"Every Man's Battle"
"Compact Bible Commentary" (that isn't that compact)
"Evidence For Christianity"
"Morning and Evening"
"Stop Dating The Church"
"Angels"
"Man Of Steel And Velvet" (courtesy of my brothers ex-wife...)
"A Prayer For Owen Meany"
"Handbook Of Personal Evangelism"
"Epic"
"The Case For Christ"
"The Sacred Romance"
"What Would Jesus Do?"
"Waking The Dead"
"I Kiss Dating Goodbye (I need to)"
"The Name" (free with a phone call to Franklin Graham's ministry, they must like me because they keep calling me, or they want their book back)
"Every Man's Battle Workbook"
"Every Single Man's Battle" (pretty much the same as every man's battle this one just reminds you that you're still a loser)
"A Light In The Attic"
"Where The Side Walk Ends" (fitting for the last book

Forgive

2009-02-10T21:52:00.002-05:00

Evidently there are some things in life that are easier to understand intellectually.

Living This Way

2009-01-07T01:18:00.003-05:00

The irony of the title is the subject of the problem. Never have I been stripped down, internally naked, completely exposed for all the world to see. This is it the bare me (well the bare me and two Ambiens) to speak what it is that has me trapped inside my own mind, my own self. These are the collected items I carry with me.
Fear is the biggest one.
Anger is the active one.
Selfishness is the fuel to propel me into this place.
I don't know what is worse, the alarm clock or trying to go to bed.

So there it is, the room I store all that negativity is filled to the brim and I have no wore space left in this well compartmentalize can that needs to be kicked,

Love God, Love People

Would have, Could Have, Should Have.

2008-12-29T22:35:00.003-05:00

Carry through time all that I've left behind,
sneaking up like cannon ball fire,
should have seen this coming long ago.
my shoulders hurt from weight of choice,
please remind me how I got here.

thirty almost thirty one what have I to show?
a mediocre job and place in the suburbs.
Not really what I signed up for,
accomplishment of nothing.

Everything I have directed my life to,
poor navigation and bitter resentments of what I would, could, should have been.
If only for the right compass given as a gift.
treading water day to day I am tired,
hold on for dear life is what I do.

Ha!

Dear life, what a crock,
it rolls of my tongue as if there was truth in it.
the value of something is placed on it only by another.
I don't want your bumper sticker, cliche, t-shirt slogan.
Save it for the naive.

Broken down past nothing,
where hope no longer sheds light.
Given away to those who hold there hands out with trust,
nothing in return, not even the hope given away.

I think the legal term is theft,
more appropriately grand larceny.
Embezzlement is the act of dishonestly appropriating goods.
is that what it is,
a misappropriation of something that does not belong to you?
Whatever you choose to call it,
it is a crime none the less.
A wronged not easily righted by the courts of justice.

I end this year with nothing but an end,
nothing to start the new year off with.
Other than a couple new reminders,
reminders of the dumb-ass choices I make.

Time... A Pointless Review

2008-12-28T22:32:00.002-05:00

Time is what we use to measure everything in life. Our work day to our calendar year. Well this past calendar year has pretty much been full of things I prefer not to relive.

It started off with a bout of depression and is ending in the same manner. Technically the first couple hours started off with me being somewhat intoxicated with my brother, sister-in-law and a bunch of their friends. There hasn't been another night as such since. I started taking an antidepressant first thing this year. A drug that by all accounts has worked the way it is supposed to without side-effects.

Honestly I cannot finish this post, I guess finishing it would only be pointless. In short I am going into a new calendar year with a lot less hope than I did a year ago and it's not due to clinical depression. It is due purely to experience.

You're a Great Guy...Just Not Good Enough!

2008-12-23T23:10:00.002-05:00

This should be a sign I wear around my neck. There is nothing worse than hearing a person, whom has claimed to have loved you say "I think you're a Great guy and I am sure you will find the right person one day." Here's why this is hard; besides hearing this more times in my life than I care to try and remember, it beckons a childhood of family saying "you will never ______."

Do yourself a favor, don't compliment a person without ending it with a period. A compliment does not end with a "comma but" it ends with a period.

God thinks I am good enough, but it is starting to wear on me simply because He is the perfect loving Father, of course I am good enough to Him. When people who love us, just don't think you are good enough, this life becomes a pretty shitty place to go through day to day. So is there a solution? A decision to make to change this? I think there is and thank God for free will. This will be a Christmas to remember for many, including me.

Destiny Part 1

2008-12-22T21:25:00.004-05:00

There is nothing more empowering than to choose your own destiny. Free will comes with responsibility, the responsibility to live out a life making choices that will not hurt others. I fail at this often.

I am selfish, so I have been told by two different people in the last three days. I guess they are correct. I don't want to be selfish, but I am. I don't want to deal with seeing ex-girlfriends or fiances for that matter, I don't want to deal with future heartache in any sense. I am tired. So being the selfish person I am, I realize I am in the way of others being happy. I have free will, I have the power to control what happens to me on one level. To remove myself from a situation, to take away the thing that is standing in the way of others, to enjoy their lives more.

I was engaged until about 4 months ago, I was not her prince charming, but obviously some other guy is, or so she writes about. I was engaged up until 7 years ago, I was informed today that although I feel as though I have grown by leaps and bounds, I am still the same piece of shit I was then. I will not get into detail more than that, I will not discourage those people from being happy, evidently I have done that well enough thus far in life.

I have a plan, a plan that I am sure will play out soon enough with the right time, the right choice, the right words to express what I choose my destiny to be, even if temporary. So to all I have hurt, to all I have let down I cannot express how sorry I am. I cannot take back the pain I have caused, but I can stop myself from causing more.

This Is Amazing

2008-11-12T21:54:00.004-05:00

I ran across this here jewel on Annie's blog and just had to know where you buy the Pee and Poo toys. So Annie gave me the link to what I believe is an amazing site. I went to the "Pee and Poo" site and I thought I was in Heaven. They had men's briefs, I thought I had just hit a GOLD mine, butt, it abruptly came to a SKIDDING stop when I realized the Pee and Poo underwear are not made in my size. Disappointment is the understatement of this post...

My First Cilioretinal Artery Occlusion.

2008-11-03T21:51:00.004-05:00

Some people have their kids first steps captured on film, or any other special occasion. maybe they have met this famous person or saw an interesting site in life which made them go "wow...that's awesome." Well when you're an eye nerd like me this kind of thing is exciting. I was able to photograph a Cilioretinal Artery Occlusion on Friday. They are very rare and the Doctor whom I had been working with had never seen one since his residency. So here you go a little more eye nerd jargon I pulled from this site that happened to fit this perfectly.

"This patient has a cilioretinal artery obstruction of recent onset. The retinal whitening adjacent to the optic nerve represents a localized area of retinal ischemia.Cilioretinal arteries can be seen clinically in approximately 20% of all eyes, a somewhat normal anatomic variant, and by fluorescein angiography in up to 32% of eyes.These arteries separate from the central retinal artery and enter the retina on the temporal aspect of the optic nerve. There, they appear as small isolated arteries that supply all or part of the papillomacular bundle. On fluorescein angiography, they usually fill at the same time as the choroidal circulation, about 1-2 seconds before the retinal arteries."

Good Grief Bad Timing

2008-10-28T21:24:00.002-04:00

So here is the reality of what I have walked through in the last couple, almost few, months. They call it the grief process. It has been a long time since I have approached it, last time would be my initial start of counseling after many years of drugs and other outside deterrents from facing all the messed up things in me.

I was engaged for about 6 weeks, to someone who had been a friend, to someone who I thought I knew, truth is I didn't know her. I am not going to bad mouth Jenn, call her names, say she broke my heart on purpose because the truth is, she didn't.

In my relationship with God, I have asked Him to "use me" and I have had this idea in my head of some super amazing christian super-hero type calling on my life. To say I was called to live in a mud hut in Africa and minister to some tribe with very little contact with the western world and make them like me. I say all this in the typical ignorance and arrogance we can have in our western culture, not because I believe we do things and think we are doing things "the way God wants, because God just happened to have a market on western civilization," but I think it is just learned into us. So long story short God used me in the lives of other people, through my relationship with Jenn. Things that needed to be exposed were in this process. I, on the other hand, have found the importance in praying that God will use me, "just not in this way or that."
Although I have been blessed with an understanding of what has happened, that God's will was and is being done, I am still human and I had to go through the regular process of grief.

Five Stages Of Grief

Denial and Isolation.
At first, we tend to deny the loss has taken place, and may withdraw from our usual social contacts. This stage may last a few moments, or longer.(been there done that, I tried to chalk it up as the byproduct of what was being exposed)
Anger.
The grieving person may then be furious at the person who inflicted the hurt (even if she's dead), or at the world, for letting it happen. He may be angry with himself for letting the event take place, even if, realistically, nothing could have stopped it.(yep, have this covered too, said some mean things hoping Jenn would hurt as much as I did, verbally and on this blog)
Bargaining.
Now the grieving person may make bargains with God, asking, "If I do this, will you take away the loss?"(Only God could confirm this one, but I thought there was this hope that Jenn would be some person she isn't in the long run. Again, it is her time to figure out who she is in God and when that time comes that she will be presentable as herself, new and whole for a man who will treat her well.)
Depression.
The person feels numb, although anger and sadness may remain underneath.(This one was kind of hard to tell where my clinical depression ended and where the depression from this began. All I have to say is "thank you Jesus for Cymbalta)
Acceptance.
This is when the anger, sadness and mourning have tapered off. The person simply accepts the reality of the loss.(Time, it has taken time and space for me look at the situation fully, to understand there is no way this will ever happen, and to accept it for what it is, why it happened and to move on wishing the best for her, her family, and her friends.)

I still struggle with some aspects of the relationship, things I said that in my heart were reserved for the woman who was to be my wife, and I cannot change that. I struggle with God being God and not understanding His timing with other things going on, fully trusting Him and being able to open the most vulnerable parts of me up to someone else. I have had a life chalked full of God's timing seeming to be bad timing, not going along with Shawn's timing, but truthfully always working about perfectly and beautifully in the end. So I rest in the knowledge and experience that The Father's timing is perfect, full of love, and beyond my pee-brained understanding, and I should trust Him and not worry about tomorrow.

More Work

2008-10-26T19:50:00.003-04:00

So here is a "four up," of some pictures I took at work. I have decided to post these for the couple of people who have asked "what exactly do you do...?" So here is a four up show three of the different kinds of pictures I do.

There are several different types, angles, purposes for doing the pictures I do. The three here are color fundus, red free, and early and late FA(dye) pictures. It has to do with the problem going on. These are pictures of the macula and optic nerve (that's the whitish round thing) and the patient presents the wet for of ARMD (age related macular degeneration). There is bleeding caused by neovascularization of the macula which results in a loss of central, color, and reading vision. the damaged done to those cells is irrevsable. There are a few new injections on the market, which are anti-VEGF drugs developed originally for cancerous tumors. The way they work is by stopping the new growth of blood vessels in the tumors, which in turn, stops the growth and starves the tumor of nutrients theoretically killing the bad cells. It works in some of the same way for the wet type of ARMD by stopping the growth of faulty blood vesels that leak easily (neovascularization).

So enjoy...

Kingdoms

2008-10-19T10:25:00.003-04:00

Living a life of stagnant rebellion refusing to let change take place,
a grieving soul looking for freedom but it is too much to face.

Why oh God do we run from your healing hands,
spent energy getting to distant lands.

We cannot run from you who are there and there and there,
but we bury ourselves in a prison self a dirty layer.

Cover ourselves with make up like a trained mortician,
set goals unattained from personal ambition.

Ignore the struggle of two kingdom's fight,
fear doing nothing when we know what's right.

Free me oh God from the choices I've made,
free me with your life a price that is paid.

Strengthen me to fight for the Kingdom that is yours,
let me not walk backwards through those doors.

A path set up narrow with a choice,
to turn my back to listen to the voice.

Bury it deep and let it not be a distraction,
from the will I have let it be Your action.

I serve this Kingdom by choice you have given,
turn from the intruders out they be driven.

One Kingdom to serve one King I bow to,
expose me wholly and Holy be new.

Assumptions

2008-10-18T22:58:00.003-04:00

I sit tonight not understanding a whole lot of what is going on in my life. I need not rehash everything that has happened, it has all been said. There are things though I have been wrong about. I have made assumptions, unfair assumptions.

I have made assumptions about how Jenn has handled everything based off of very little information. It is not fair for me to do that. She gave me the time this evening to better understand what is really going on, why things have come across the way they have, and I am sorry for saying things that have not fair to assume. So publicly I say I am sorry for making those assumptions. I am thankful for Jenn taking the time to explain some things to me, and I am proud of her for taking on the huge task set before her. I now have my own to deal with.

Jenn is not the only reason I have been confused. I will not get into all the details, but I have had a lot thrown at me lately from completely different directions and had to deal with all of them at once. It has been very hard to open up old wounds, to not be angry at people who have not done anything to deserve it, and to be loving when that is the one things I am struggling with the most. I have wanted to cry and I finally cried last night, I cried for a long time and I yelled at God and said things that needed to be said and asked questions that needed to be asked. It wasn't just a reactionary cry, it was one of those straight from the soul, take everything out of you kind of cries.

I am willing to write on my blog that I am a broken person, people that read it or knows it exits, already know what is going on. I am willing to share poetry that is usually fly by the seat of my pants, not well thought out, just what comes out. I do not edit these poems, I do not edit certain things on my blog as I want it to be raw, real and show I am broken. I am far from perfect and I am struggling with issues that run deep into my heart. I know things happen for a reason, I know it is not my fault I struggle with the things I do and I could probably trace it all the way back to my infancy. A simple connection never happened during that time that I, and evidently many professionals, believe has been detrimental to my development.

I will not waste my time pointing fingers of who's fault it was, give you a woe is me story furthering my case as to why I am as broken as I am, and I will just try and work through and past the things that need to be worked through. I have many open wounds right now, many deep hurts painful wounds that need time to heal. So the only thing I can ask for is prayer and patience.

Give Yourself Away

2008-10-17T21:20:00.003-04:00

I am a very broken person. I am not happy much these day, I am sad and confused for the most part. I am pissed off at God, I am having a hard time trusting anyone, including God. I feel pretty much messed up. Now before I go on, I would ask that I don't get any comments that you can find on a Christian T-shirt or bummer sticker, I know those well thanks.

I have been wounded badly. My heart is shattered. I know God loves me, I know God is the One I am supposed to put all things in, but I am still a human, with emotions, who feels pain. I do not understand how someone can hurt another person so badly and go on in life as if nothing ever happened. I really don't understand. I cannot understand why things have happened in the last six months that have happened. I am pretty pissed at God because I feel like I am following Him the best of my ability only to be let down by Him. My self worth is zero, a big fat goose egg, zero! I feel as though I am healing and then the scab is just ripped off, and the huge hole is made a little deeper.

Why do I have to feel? I am tired of it, I was numb, it was nice, until today. I want to be numb, I do not want to feel. y heart aches for someone who does not know how to handle a heart, even her own. I struggle everyday to not let those around me see the pain I am in, to see the completely broken person I am inside. I don't know what is real in people and who is being a fraud. Trust me I am not a good judge of character. This has been proven as I believed someone enough to let them in to a part of me I have guarded for years. A trespasser into the most vulnerable part of my being. Someone who I don't even know is real or not.

My life will never be the same. I will never be able open that part of me to another person, to open up and say sure come on in, this is my heart, I put it in your hands, please do not break it, it is fragile. I guess I have given it away to too many people who are just going to mishandle it and punt it like a fourth down football, because they give up on the drive. I have given it away more than God ever intended to give to another person. I have nothing more to give to another human.

What is left is all I have and it belongs to God. He owns my heart, my eternal heart, which I gave to Him many years ago. He has protected my life in ways that I may one day share here, but I do not understand why He has kept me alive. I feel like it is some kind of punishment to live in this world of brokenness. To live a life that is just hurt after hurt after hurt. To live a life that is never seems to "get better." I was told this evening by a friend of how proud they were of me and see such a huge difference in me in the two years they have known me. Truth is, I just feel like I am more numb now than I was two years ago, four years ago, ten years ago.

I remember the days before I hurt, before I hurt others. I remember those days fondly when life was pretty simple and I didn't have this part of me that I threw away to whoever wanted it. I apologize here for whoever God may have had planned for me, I have nothing to give if you ever come my way. Sorry for giving away that part of me that would have made a more complete person for both of us. I guess if you want to find it I can give you the addresses of those who each hold the part of me I should have saved for you.

Maybe better days will come, or maybe my life will continue to be consistent.

Remembering

2008-10-12T21:41:00.003-04:00

I remember the days when life was simple. Playing on the floor of the living room with my father,
playing "Go Fish" and "War" only to grow up to despise war and be bored by fishing.
Lazy Sunday afternoons, between church services we sat as a family.
I remember these Sundays.
I remember the time the pastors son came over to play and I referenced a jalapeno as being "as hot as hell,"
and being punished for saying hell.
I didn't mean it in that way,
I meant it in a very literal way.
Sorry for the confusion,
but they talked about hell being a places of eternal flames in church that morning.
Seems as though it was a pretty hot place,
maybe even as hot as a jalapeno.
I don't know why I couldn't concentrate on the crossword I had for homework,
to tell you the truth I still can't spell worth a damn.
I still can't remember in tomorrow has two m's or two r's,
or is it two m's and two r's?
I remember watching grandpa mow the lawn at their little mountain view church,
Seeing him track back and forth on that huge property while I chased lizards on the wall.
I remember broken wooden spoons,
broken ping-pong paddles,
also a think leather belt that never broken.
I remember the homeless man I would give food to,
although his name I don't remember.
His weather worn, tough wrinkly face was so kind.
I remember sliding down the hill at city hall in the rain,
tying strings to toy boats,
and playing with them in the wash on Orchard street.
Last I knew the red and yellow boat was still under the sink and grandma and grandpa's.
I remember the pine tree, perfect for climbing,
the circle concrete thing in the middle of sunset park,
and the many sunsets passed playing there.
I remember bike rides with uncles,
and the tricks they could do,
on skateboards older than me.
I remember Cucamonga peak in the winter,
spending the day with grandma in the summer.
I remember the line up from the Price is Right to General Hospital,
and all the Yani themed song soaps in between.
I am remembering more and more,
remembering a life I once lived.

Bringing Work Home.

2008-10-07T23:21:00.000-04:00

Or bringing home to work is something I try hard not to do. I thought I would do it today though and share a picture of what cancer on the conjunctiva and cornea looks like. I took this picture today, not sure the lady really understood what was wrong.

I have found that to be true a lot lately, to not recognize the amount of problems in our own lives, only to have someone in the wings sitting by seeing it all along. This has been true even in my own life. I have had a hell of a couple months. I have been wounded pretty bad, scarred deep, and confused. I have also been in contact with the only two other women I have had a long term relationship with at some point. I consider more than a year long term. I had not talked to Margaret in three years when we talked in August. I had not talked to Kristie, the girl I moved here to Florida with, in four years. We live ten minutes apart and have never run into one another.

She emailed me Sunday, out of the blue, and it shocked me. We settled on meeting up for a beer Monday night and caught up and also said things that both of us needed to say that had never been said. It was good, it was not uncomfortable at all and I enjoyed hanging out. I also was at peace in regards to any unanswered questions. I can say with all honesty I know that I have two new friends, people who are familiar, yet so very different in other aspects. I do not desire to have anything other than a friendship, I don't think they do either, which has opened a door to having new friends. Both have said very kind things that have really touched my heart, both have needed someone to be kind to them, both had been through a lot of rough things in the last few years.

It was good for me also to see a certain trend in myself with these people and with recent events. A trend that I know God will use, but I have to learn to get out of the way and let God be God and do what He needs to do. I have been in the medical field since I was 18. I have not really done well at any other job I have tried outside of it and Gd has really hooked me up with an awesome skill and understanding. I like to fix broken things. It is part of the nature of people in the medical field, we are care givers, we are wired to help people. I am sure there are those who can attest to the fact I have much more patients for patience than I do outside of work. Why that is I do not know.

So learning a lesson, a long, long, long painful lesson that God has given me the heart, the compassion, the drive to help those who seem to need a lot of help. I have to remember, it is not me that can fix them, only God can, but I can sure let them know they are loved along the way. I guess I cannot fault her for what has happened, I guess I have been screwed up and possibly screwed up people along the way as well, but I can sure try and not do it again. So, up go the walls of security, the walls of skepticism not in a way that says I will not let you in, but in a way that say I have a heart to guard for a woman who is going to handle it with care, thoughtful loving care. Do I know who that woman is? Maybe, maybe I do and maybe that is a part that just hasn't let go of the idea of who someone is...

A Pumpkin Of A Different Color

2008-10-07T21:57:00.004-04:00

It's official. Within the first ten minutes of the debate, which is currently on, between presidential candidates Senator Barack Obama and Senator John McCain I made a decision regarding the election next month.

First, I am pro life. I do not believe I have the right to take another persons life. This is the main reason I cannot vote for the majority of people in the republican party. I do not believe it is my right to determine when another human life should end, regardless of how horrible the crime was. Some may say "you wouldn't understand what it was like to be the victim," but I say "no unfortunately that is not true." I believe in taking care of those who need help, those who are widowed and orphaned. A guy that does not take the responsibilities of fatherhood effectively create widows and orphans. I believe it is our responsibility out of love to take care of them and it is an unfortunate fact that our government has to mandate how that is done because true charity is lacking in our society. So we have entitlement programs and welfare. I am opposed to war. I believe in the teachings of Jesus and He taught to turn the other cheek. He never said how many times. Love will prevail, I believe this, I fail at my attempts to live this often, but I try none the less. I believe in small government, the smaller the better, I don't see it getting smaller though.

This evening, Senator Obama pretty much handed Senator McCain his ass on a corporate silver platter. They are both smart men, Obama was not persnickety at all and McCain seemed to be demeaning towards Obama. That didn't impress me, it came across as a sophomoric move. Senator Obama seems sincere. Senator McCain seems to be pandering to his party, which by the way is not his past record. Senator Obama says what he believes, and I can say I believe what he says. This does not mean I agree with his policies or will support him with a vote to progress the policies. If I were voting on personality and conviction, then yes he would be my choice, but I am not I am being asked to vote on policies that I cannot come to grips with agreeing upon.

So I said I am pro life. I would not choose to take the life of an unborn child, no the Bible is not crystal clear on when life is conceived, but it does say that God knew us before time. What does that mean? I don't know. One thing I will admit to, I would understand with sad and heavy heart if a woman who had been raped, or a victim of incest was to get an abortion, there is a part of me that understands. This is less than 1%. I am not saying this is the best thing, I may very well be wrong in saying the above but it is how I feel. I do not think it is my right to judge someone who has chosen to have an abortion. I can voice my opinion, but it is only that, my voice, my opinion. Education could prevent so much. I believe education is key to much of what democrats would rather throw money at, and let continue on, in a cyclical manner. This is destructive to many healthy societal morals. I do not believe in the redistribution of wealth. Look at Cuba, it doesn't work.

So who am I voting for? I'm not, I am exercising my right to abstain and praying that God places the right person in office for our country. This means I am willing to pray for whoever our next president is, and trust me I think they will need all they can get.

Rest

2008-10-06T20:37:00.002-04:00

Keep me in your arms so safe,
keep me in the this sacred space.

A future of hope soon future past,
your present hope I will hold fast.

A broken person sent a message of hope,
some simple words of help to cope.

Where did you come from sister of mine,
who sent sent you here was He divine?

Honesty asked truth hard to find,
honesty hidden no one will mind.

Free will we have to make our own,
a life of limit a life on loan.

How will we treat those in our path,
do we show them love or show them wrath?

Guilty I am and perfect I'm not,
expect no different from a lesson taught.

Rest for a day there is work to do,
though not alone He is with you.

Spin.

2008-10-05T20:03:00.004-04:00

Skipping along through life without a care in the world,
the destruction left in your wake not visible by the blinders.
The concept of right or wrong is too much to bare,
although the concept of wrongs are all that is obvious.

I stand for this I stand for that shaking my fist with righteousness,
spell out a self-definition with bullet points to highlight your values.
What a concept of independence to thrive as a co-dependent,
say what needs to be said and dress for the occasion.

When worlds collide slide out the back door,
leave a note that shows them where to go.
innocent victims left in the after math of a self-waging war,
justified by the actions of a few to point the fingers at.
When do we answer for what we have done,
how long do we live a lie of broken trust?

Do we have to answer for what we have done,
or do we blame what we've become because of the actions of another?
Free will or imposing will it doesn't matter,
the means in the end are all but justified with the spin we put on the story we tell.

My Humanity Is Killing Me.

2008-10-05T16:29:00.002-04:00

Yesterday I spent the better part of three hours at Butterfly World, a place I wished was a lot closer than it is, meandering around watching the butterflies. I went there to have space, take some pictures, to be alone with God for a while. I found out late in the evening Friday that the ring had arrived, but I had not been told because they didn't know how. When Amber told me, I said not a word, I came upstairs, I cried, wrote a poem of the pain I live in and emailed this person who has been praying for me.

Butterfly World has these benches where you can sit and just watch the butterflies. I had always thought they just lived out their short lives in pure randomness only looking for another butterfly to breed with. I have observed though the behavior of these butterflies and found so much joy in the silly things they do. Although not very complicated, they seem to have micro personalities. Seriously, I have sat there and watched these beautifully colored bugs interact with each other, and while some of it is the desire to procreate they seem to chase one another off. Some times they chase each other off in a territorial type of way and other times they seem to be playing and taunting one another.

I deal with my depression daily in some way or another. I have learned to not talk to people too much because of the issue with being angry and taking it out on someone who doesn't deserve it. Do I hold remorse for saying things to someone I have been hurt by? Not really. Unfortunately the things I would like to say to people would be wasted breath, would be more emotions spent in vain, would be nothing but words falling to the ground which would only further frustrate me.

Walking along, talking with Father about recent events, the failure of my engagement, the lack of understanding why it happened, the hurt she has put me through and my anger towards her for not having the heart to realize what pain is, when this pair of mating butterflies landed on my shirt. There are signs that read
"Dear Guests:
If a butterfly lands on you, please refrain from touching it. It will be on it's way shortly.
Sincerely Management"
Out of respect I didn't touch them. A minute goes by, then two and I started to get angry. I sat there and thought "seriously God, the last thing a single guy with a completely shattered heart wants, is anything 'gettin some' in front of him. Is this some kind of sick joke?"
Finally after blowing on them to the point of hyperventilating didn't seem to work because they had a death grip on their little love nest of my shirt sleeve and after a quick couple of pictures didn't work, I asked one of the little old ladies who is a staff worker there to remove them.

I continued on, with a little bit of animosity towards the butterflies doing the dirty on my shoulder, into the bird aviaries only to see what? A bunch of paired up, nest-making, happy little birds...Thanks!

Failed Dreams

2008-10-03T22:33:00.002-04:00

I've lived a life of failed dreams,
a promise made some joy it seems.

A breath I take wondering why it is so,
a life I wish would just let go.

Confusion and chaos is I all attract,
a path of failure is what I exact.

I think for a moment "this will all be in the past,"
it isn't though and I am going down fast.

Hurt by love and further many,
I would be rich if for each was a penny.

Some say I have value and much to offer,
to these things said I become a scoffer.

plans and dreams and promises to make,
a feeling of failure once again I can't take.

It is hard to take that next breath in,
I wouldn't of course if it weren't a sin.

Tortured by a belief I can't explain,
my humanness is killing me it takes space in my brain.

I close my eyes wish it would all go away,
I wake in the morning to my dismay.

Promise sent in a little box,
jailed by sadness the key to the locks.

When will it end, is this my choice,
do I say when, do I use my voice?

Masquerade Of Light

2008-10-03T21:59:00.004-04:00

Lately things have been difficult at best and down right ugly at worst. I have thought about things which I would never put into print, struggled through understanding the seemingly unexplainable. I have been blessed by some random person halfway across the country who knows basically nothing about me, yet has been faithful in praying for me. This has said a lot to me, it has re-affirmed God is real in my life in the little ways that I don't understand. It also goes to show His ways are not my ways and my idea of how my life should look is not His.

I been utterly disturbed by the obvious downward spiral of a life I thought I knew. This evening at "church" or "worship," whatever you want to call a small group of us getting together to be intentional in singing songs, edifying one another, sharing a verse on our heart, and let the Holy Spirit move in about as much of a corporate sense as I am comfortable in being in anymore, don told a story of one an older gentlemen he trains at the gym he works at. He mentioned the new age concepts and eastern religious philosophies the man practices. He talked about the way he believes in Jesus, he believes in God, and took a verse out of context which he claims supports reincarnation. Don said it has disturbed him, reminded him of a place he had come from long ago before becoming a follower of Jesus. I suppose this is where it hit home with me.

I come from a place of believing I knew Jesus, had this concept of who He was, how He showed up in my life and how I justified my actions through this "broad-minded," ideal of God. I guess I am a little more narrow-minded these days. Please do not get this confused with being more judgmental, only more sure in the reasons I choose to follow Jesus. This philosophy is dangerous because it s pseudo-truth, it is partial truth, it masquerades as light only to truly be something very dangerous underneath.

This picture of above is kind of like that. It so beautiful, the sky, the water, the mangroves, a picture perfect setting before worship this evening, but it is exactly that. It is picture perfect. It does not show the alligators that live in this water, the high bacteria county from rain run off, or the water moccasins that inhabit this river. It looks inviting to anyone, but the danger only lies just below the surface.

Koinonia-Greek For It Happens, But I Can't Explain It

2008-09-30T21:17:00.002-04:00

I came across this word while reading "WIDEOPENSPACES" by Jim Palmer and it struck a nerve with me. It didn't jar me in a negative way, but in a "duh" kind of way as if I knew and understood this all along. Yet, I still do not have a clear understanding of it which I can articulate how I understand it. He writes " "Koinonia" ("fellowship of the Spirit")-the spiritual union of people with God and one another." This helped me to understand, mind you not really articulate, the connection I feel with people at times.

For the most part I feel horribly disconnected, distrusting, and all around dislodged from what I thought I understood. I am able to tell close friends of mine "I do not believe my existence, or lack there of, would make an impact in anyone's life." My self-esteem is pretty much non-existent at the moment for many reasons. At times I feel a connection that does not quench my desire for human connection, but is satisfying none the less. Make sense? Well it doesn't really to me either.

So this word "Koinonia" is Greek for it exists, I know it does, but I cannot explain it in any form that will do it justice. It is been the one constant in a completely inconsistent life I have had. It is this deeper connection than what I am fully able to wrap my little brain around, yet I know without a doubt it is real. It is a beautiful reassurance, in a time when I need some sort of reassurance, that I am not totally alone. It is an amazing gift, one that I agree with Jim is up there with "Grace" and "Love," just two other words I have no idea of how to understand them, but I fully rest assured in the realness of them.

When This Is All You Have To Say...

2008-09-29T21:03:00.003-04:00

Shawn
yo

Mike
sup

Shawn
snew?

Mike
whatsa snew

Shawn
whatsa whatsa?

Mike
whasa

Shawn
what whasa?

Mike
whvaign cmpouert trblues
tpygni swlo

Shawn
hooeh?

Mike
ti mstu eb bkrne
o

Shawn
mstu eb

Frustrated

2008-09-29T18:22:00.003-04:00

Frustrated is a word I use to supplement all logical thoughts. I was made aware of this a couple years ago by my friend David who said "you know you sure say I'm frustrated a lot," in which my only reply was a blank look.

I use this words when anger, hurt, confusion, misunderstandings invade my head. I cannot put a logical thought together to process all that has happened. It is my fail safe word, it allows me to be honest with people without having to tell them what is going on. It is not that I don't want them to know, it is purely do to the fact I cannot articulate what is really going on with me. I cannot put into words the hurt and thoughts that are on a constant collision course in my skull.

I would like to write something more than "I am frustrated," but truly I can't. I cannot find the peace, the space to relax, the place where my thoughts can flow from my brain to my figure tips. It is up there somewhere being pushed around and bullied by emotion that has not been dealt with. By pain which is too comfortable to move out of the way for my own good. By hope that stands in defiance as the only remaining thing I recognize in the crawlspace between my ears that is not sorrow.

Hope is there for something, a something that is impossible to define because I am frustrated.

Like Everyone Else...

2008-09-25T21:07:00.003-04:00

I breath air,
like everyone else.
I work to sustain life and fulfill the debts incurred,
like everyone else.
I desire to have a life with meaning,
like everyone else.
I want to be known and recognized,
like everyone else.
I want to feel special,
like everyone else.
I want to be rich so I can see the world,
like everyone else.
I desire to be happy,
like everyone else.
I want to be accepted,
like everyone else.
I want to feel loved,
like everyone else.
I think I have a unique view of life,
like everyone else.
I desire to do something great,
like everyone else.
I love the ocean,
like everyone else.
I love the mountains,
like everyone else.
I love to see people happy,
like everyone else.
I want to belong,
like everyone else.
I want to be different,
like everyone else.
I want to see a better life,
like everyone else.
I want to know my future is bright,
like everyone else.
I want to be remembered when I am gone,
like everyone else.
I want to be different than everyone one else,
like everyone else.
I could make this lists go on and on,
like everyone else.

Rose

2008-09-24T23:55:00.003-04:00

Walking through the Rose garden sun beaming down on my face,
I close my eyes and bask in the freshness of life at that moment.
I have never walked though this place,
I have never passed by so many flowers calling me with dew drops on their pedals.
I am content with the breath of life drawn into my lungs,
the feeling of being held by the sun as I stroll down the the pathway.
The urge to pluck just one flower slowly leaves me.

I am almost through the garden now,
I can see the gates just up ahead.
I turn to gaze upon this beautiful rose,
perfect in every way.
It's a name I am familiar with,
it is one I have dreamed of.
I cannot resist,
it is in fact the one I have been looking for.

I gingerly embrace this beautiful flower,
"oh it is the one" I shout.
I take it with me everywhere,
I show it off and everyone admires it's beauty.
Some are jealous I can tell by their tone,
They don't think "I could have found" such a perfect Rose.

The warm breeze starts to wither away at the Rose,
the dry air draws out the color.
Each day pedals drop off,
the soft green stem is turning Brown.
I hold it in my hands crying and weeping,
"beautiful sun what have you caused?"
"Where did the perfect little Rose go?"
I am left with nothing but a thorny stem,
dry, lifeless, nothing to be recognized.

Somewhere in the crumbled mess of fractured pedals and broken stem,
a small round beautiful seed emerges.
What am I to do with this seed,
I am not a gardener?
How do I nourish the helpless little thing,
this leftover mess I have inherited by my own impatience?

I can do nothing,
I bury it and leave it to chance.
Soil, water, sun I give it back to you,
I entrust it to your care where it once came from.
One day it will bloom,
it will bloom a Rose of beauty I could never fathom.

Encourage Expression.

2008-09-21T11:42:00.008-04:00

I was always encouraged by my mother in my ability to draw, to write a story, to write poetry as a child. Somewhere in my youth I lost the desire to let my creative side flourish. A very special person, who has always been gravitated towards artistry since I have known her, revealed about herself that she has a desire to pursue the talent she has within. I know my mind works in a weird way. I often see situations dealing with life with a very black and white eye, I have trouble seeing the gray area within the dynamics of relation to other people.

I ran from dealing with life for a very long time. I ran for so long that I forgot how to truly live. I dealt with life in a very unrealistic reality by using drugs to buffer my mind from the true reality that exists. To numb the God given mind I have and not deal with life. By doing this I brushed away all that that God has given me to express who I am. Regaining the beauty is what I have struggled to do for the last three and a half years. To find the balance and rhythm of life and to express my true self through the art in me. A large part of the of finding the freedom to express me is purely the fear of rejection. To be told it isn't good enough, to be told I am wasting my time with it, to be told my outward expression of love is not good enough.

My mother is not guilty of ever telling me my expression of who I was inside was not good enough, but I have been told that I will never amount to anything, that I am a failure, a "screw up" by influential people during a crucial development in my life. The key to being able to unravel the damage done, to sift through the mess I have lived, and again express who I am has happened only because of the security offered to me in love. The space offered to feel loved, to live a life and be encouraged to express the artistic side of me.

I love looking at life through the lens of a camera, I love putting my thoughts and emotions down on a piece of paper that expresses me. Art, I believe, is historical evidence of people's recognition and worship of God who Himself created a planet of beautiful artistry. I believe Pablo Picasso understood a simplistic truth about art and is quoted as saying "Every child is an artist. The problem is how to remain an artist once we grow up."

So whether you express the art in you by drawing, painting, written word, music, whatever way you express the gift God has placed within us, do it knowing the beauty it holds and take a minute to appreciate the beauty God has placed in someone else.

A Collection Of The (supposed) Best and Worst Christian Pick-Up Lines

2008-09-19T17:43:00.003-04:00

Okay so there is really nothing in here I would seriously use, but some of them are pretty darn funny. The scary part is some of them are probably used by people...Oh God help my brothers and sisters.

(HT: http://saltnpepper.wordpress.com/)

a collection of the best:

1. “nice bible.”

2. “is this pew taken?”

3. “i just don’t feel called to celibacy.”

4. “for you i would slay two Goliaths”

5. “i would go through more than Job for you”

6. “you are perfect, except with all the sin.”

7. “when Moses struck the rock, water flowed from it like a river. I promise I will never strike you.”

8. “you are so unblemished that i would sacrifice you.”

9. “what, this here? oh.. thats my study bible - it’s a little bigger but i can handle the extra spiritual and physical weight.”

10. “shall we tithe?”

11. “at points in my life i have been referred to as Samson”

12. “the word says ‘Give drink to those who are thirsty, and feed the hungry’; how about dinner?”

13. “i didnt believe in predestination until tonight.”

14. “im not like those other Christ Church guys.”

15. “i believe one of my ribs belongs to you.”

16. “i know Lachlan Payne.”

17. (if no.16 gains no response) “Lachlan Payne knows me”

18. “i went on a beach mission but all I ended up doing was mission you.”

19. “i can be your Boaz.”

20. “my spiritual gift is my good looks… it lifts peoples spirits”

21. “i sacrifice my sunday mornings to look after the creche group. its tough… but i love children.”

22. “is this the transfiguration.. because you are glowing”

23. “i have a job.”

24. “mark driscoll takes up 35% of my ipod memory.”

25. “hey..for you I’d work seven years… and then seven more for your sister.”
(I don’t exactly know how this would benefit the user, but worth a try)

26. “im kind of a big deal at Koorong”

27. “hey good-looking, Ecclesiastes 4:11…”

28. “absolutely. i often throw clothes into the samaritan bin.”

29. “bible-gateway happens to be my homepage.”

30. “im a man who discovered the wheel and built the Eiffel Tower out of metal and brawn. That’s what kind of man I am.”

31. “marry me.”

32. “can I buy you a non-alcoholic beverage?”

33. “i have many sponsor children. one in each developing nation.”

34. ” im one of the fortunate ones..greek and hebrew comes pretty easily to me.”

35. “my favourite species of vegetation is the church plant.”

36. “did i just have mud rubbed in my eyes?”

37. “what’s an xbox?”

38. “now i know why Solomon had 700 wives… Because he never met you.”

39. “i used to believe in natural theology, but since i met you i’ve converted to divine revelation”

40. “i look after widows”

41. “is that a thinline, duo-tone, compact, ESV Travel Bible in your pocket”

42. “why dont i have a bible dictionary? well, i dont really need it.”

43. “bathsheba had nothing on you”

44. ”you put the ‘cute’ back in persecution…”

45. “your hair is like a flock of goats descending from Gilead”

46. “so, can i clothe you in righteousness?”

47. “how many times do I have to walk around you to make you fall for me?”

48. “how would you like to join my Purpose Driven Life?”

49. “if you say no, i will rip out my hair and my beard”

50. “if you say no, im going to tear my clothes, get in my sackcloth and rub dust into my head..”

51. “if you say no, i’m going on a pilgrimage.”

52. “unfortunately i cant perform miracles and ive only got enough bread and fish for 2 people.”

53. “so, my parents are home, you wanna come over?”

54. “let me remove my sandals before I come any closer..”

55. “lets say, hypothetically, you were married. I would send your husband to the front line against the Amorites”

56. “its obvious to me that you sprouted from the good kinda soil…”

57. “feel free to meet me at the threshing floor.”

58. “you can lie at my feet..”

59. “i know its absurd, but every time i walk towards you, it feels like im being lead to bethlehem.”

60. “if i had to choose between a romantic date with you or a night with the fellas… i would sit at home and read my bible.”

61. “i really like your spirituality, it goes well with that shirt.”

62. “welcome to the christian family… the only family where brothers and sisters can marry each other”

63. “i did a love tester on your name and mine.. it came back ‘predestined’”

64. “you’re totally depraved but i’d still like to go out with you…”

65. “you can come crash at mine tonight. i have a separate room prepared.”

66. “i’m a proverbs 32 kind of guy and you’re a proverbs 31 kinda woman…”

67. “im interested in full time ministry, and not only that… i also play the guitar.”

68. “mmm… you really have to watch out for that man of lawlessness.. but dont worry, im not him, so you’re safe with me.”

69. “if we were around with noah… then you, me… pair.”

70. “i arrange the substantial christian section of my bookshelf into alphabetical order. coffee?”

I Give Up.

2008-09-19T17:43:00.002-04:00

I am completely broken. Broken means something doesn't work right, it means something cannot be used properly while it is broken. It does not function the way it was made to function because it is not complete, it is broken.

I went through years of counseling to get to where I am at today. for a long period of time it wasn't just a once in awhile thing, it was twice a week, it was intense and very hard. I thought I had grown a great deal, forgiven those who had done bad things to me, felt as though I was loved by a group of people, felt very loved by God. I felt as though I could love and I tried it out.

Unfortunately, from what I have been told, loving someone destroyed them and their family. I have had to live with some decisions that were hard to live with. Have had to take responsibility for my actions and it was difficult, but I did it. I don't know how to live with the weight of knowing I destroyed an entire family by simply trying to love.

If I have not love, then what do I have to offer the world that is worth anything? The answer to that is nothing.

Sleep

2008-09-16T05:49:00.002-04:00

I wish I could get some...I was up past midnight, finally taking two Ambien so I could fall asleep only to be laying here wide awake at 5:30am. Normally this wouldn't bother me as it would give me few extra minutes to get ready for work, watch the news, and maybe sit with the "cheers crowd of men" at my local Starbucks as I don't get to sit with the often anymore. Truth is my alarm isn't set, I have the day off and was looking forward to sleeping in.

When I have a lot on my mind, I don't sleep well. I can tell you last night was nothing but I bunch of incomplete, random, pretty much incoherent dreams. I guess I am just a little frustrated with not getting the sleep when really that is all I want. Sleep! Sleep where I could rest and rejuvenate my mind, not be forced to think through the few different things in my life that have stressed me. Whether it be a person, or job, or God for that matter at the minute, I just wanted the mental break of not thinking for a few hours. The only bonus is I can take my camera over to the beach to watch the sun come up and I had an opportunity to watch "Assignment Discovery," on the Discovery Channel, which happened to be informative even though short. I guess it beats the pointless cartoons I had as kids. Then again there is something to being mindless that is therapeutic.

Would You Believe They Put A Man On The Moon?

2008-09-15T17:25:00.003-04:00

I took this picture last night, after taking about 40 of them to get my shutter speed correct, and I sat and marveled at the detail we miss with our own eyes. I was thinking about how we miss things today, how we repeatedly do something and sometimes fail over and over again hoping to get it right. Sometimes we are even in situations that are not really all that great and whether or not it is just human nature to not want to recognize the problems in it or if we choose to look past the imperfections in hopes that they will just go away. I wonder if, being followers of Jesus, we tend to look past those imperfections in a way we are not supposed to and miss the point of the entire situation.

This is my struggle. To straddle the line of "I am supposed to love somebody in spite of their faults" and "I am to used common sense and flee from a situation when I see the warning flags go up." I often ask more mature people when in the situations for advice, ironically I know it depends on how I phrase it as to what response I will get from those people. This is a problem because we are basically setting up the person for the answer we "want" to hear, not what we need to hear. If I were to say "well I'm in a situation with person X, person X has has issues, person X says one thing and does another." The response I am very well to receive is "man forget about person X, get the heck out of that situation!" If I phrase it as "Person X said one thing to me, but has not followed through. I know person X is going through a rough time and really needs to be cut some slack. I just don't know what to do." The response I am likely to get would be "well you should be supportive and understanding of person X, none of us are perfect." I set the person up by the wording I choose to use. I think we do this entirely too much. I am not looking for what I want to hear anymore, I am only looking for what is right. What is right is not always easy

I do not say this in response to any one particular person or situation, I use this example as to how we tend to relate to others in both the secular society and a Christian community. I believe most people have a sense of compassion to want to help others who need help. As Christians I believe we are to help those who truly need help, to love those who are truly hard to love and to be supportive of those who reject us.

Getting advice from others is a tricky thing, it all depends on how you word the situation from your perspective. I believe as followers of Jesus we are supposed to love everyone regardless and look at situations from the perspective of the other. This is hard to do, being selfish by nature, but it is doable none the less.

Oh My, Let Me Hide Under A Desk.

2008-09-14T16:14:00.001-04:00

(HT: Wally, I think...)

A Little About Me.

2008-09-14T14:48:00.006-04:00

So Jenn did this post the other day which she got from someone else, who got it from someone else, who most likely got it from someone else and so on and so forth. I figured I would pass it on.

Attached or single? Technically single, but unavailable.

Best friend? Jenn/David/Justin

Cake or Pie? What is White Chocolate Macadamia Cheese Cake From The Cheese Cake Factory Considered?

Day of Choice? Saturday

Essential Item? Coffee

Favorite color? Blue

Gummy bears or worms? Worms

Hometown? Jupiter

Indulgence? Ben and Jerry's

January or July? January - Because it is beautiful here in South Florida and there is no real craziness to speak of.

Kids? Not at the moment.

Life isn’t complete without- God

Marriage Date? It was to be April 12, 2009...

Number of Brothers and Sisters? 1 older brother

Oranges or Apples? Apples in winter, oranges in summer.

Phobias? Spiders and most creepy crawly things, oh and roaches.

Quote? “I am only one, but still I am one. I cannot do everything, but still I can do something; and because I cannot do everything, I will not refuse to do something that I can do.”- Helen Keller

Reasons to Smile? See someone succeed at something they have been trying very hard at. Honesty. A beautiful sunrise.

Season of Choice? Fall

Type of bed? Full

Unknown Fact? I had a breast reduction.

Vegetable? Broccoli

Worst habits? Currently, not too much, hard drugs in the past.

XRay or Ultrasound? I've had both, Xrays are easier.

Your favorite food? Cheesecake

Zodiac sign? I think it's bullshit, but Aries.

When I Look Back On My Life This Is What I See.

2008-09-13T22:23:00.003-04:00

A total wreck, but I was saved in the process.

Personal Goal

2008-09-09T21:55:00.002-04:00

As I said in the post before I have set a new personal goal. Funny thing is, I was gently coerced into it with the notion that I would be helping someone other than myself. So the ironic thing is I might not have done it for myself but it is a challenge none the less. I want to do this for me now. It is a challenge. It is going to take discipline, commitment, and a whole lot of self-denial. Will there be rewards? Yes here are some of the personal rewards I will gain when I accomplish this. A since of self-accomplishment as I am not motivated to do it just to spite someone. It is good for my health and is getting me on a track of a more healthy lifestyle (for those who don't know I have lost about 50 Lbs or so since December). And last but not least it will give me the right to say I ran a half marathon.
This may very well lead into me having the goal of running a full marathon after, but it might not as well. I know I will run a number of 5K's in the area during this winter, and to be honest the goal of running a 5K in under 20 minutes again, is more of a satisfying thought than running a full marathon. None the less, training for this half marathon is going to be really good. Mike, being a very intelligent engineer, has already set up a schedule for running this next 13 weeks. It is very helpful to be able to look at something and totally see how it will be accomplished by the time I am to run 13 miles. When I look at it planned out, it is not scary, it is doable. I was scheduled to run this evening but I did. I did because yesterday it felt really good and today I am sore. So the only remedy I know of to help is to go do it again. So I felt good after the run, I don't feel as sore, and I get to run again tomorrow.
Considering my current life situation with personal issues of dealing with anger, the new job I will hopefully be starting within the next two weeks (I will blog about this when it is set in stone) and just dealing with trying to figure out forgiveness and love in a new way, I really needed a healthy stress relief...and I have found it.

Screw Up

2008-09-08T21:27:00.002-04:00

I look at myself as a screw up most of the time. being a "screw up" has been a good way to define most of my adult life and the choices I made. Because of circumstances surrounding certain people in my childhood, I was taught pretty well that I am in fact a screw up. I was told encouraging things, by a family member or two, such as "you will never amount to anything," "you fail at whatever you do, so why bother," you know those kinds of encouraging things.

I didn't really understand love. I no longer blame my parents for this, as they were very broken people raising children, and did the best they knew how to do. I do understand and know what it feels like to be loved today. In fact I can even feel loved by my parents and am able to recognize the way they show love. I have been placed in the arms of an amazing community of people who have loved and nourished me back to "health."

It is easy for me to feel like a screw up even today. I fail at things all the time and I am hard on myself for it, but I feel like a screw up that knows he is loved by an amazing God. A screw up that God chooses to use even though I'm a screw up. So am I okay with being a screw up today? Well that depends what you mean and how you are defining it.

I am not that kid who's self-worth on a good day reaches about zero, I am not that drug addict who chooses to get high instead of dealing with life on a day to day basis, I am a person who feels loved by God and a whole mess of people. I am okay with being a screw up when you measure me against society. One thing I love about God is simply the fact I can be completely honest with Him, I can thank Him, love Him, yell and be mad at Him, and the only thing I feel from God is a loving Father.

Today I started on a goal I set with a friend. A personal goal, not having to do with my career, and I am happy with my first day at this new commitment. It is the first time in my life I don't have certain somebodies in the background going "you won't make it," and that being my motivation to complete something. You know what it feels good, it feels attainable and I don't feel an enormous pressure, which makes this goal all that much more enjoyable.

Nothing To Understand

2008-09-05T21:18:00.002-04:00

I honestly don't know who God is. How many people that say they are Christians don't know what God's voice sounds like? I really don't. I sit here on the phone with Jenn, a woman I love, a very broken woman and I thought I heard God's voice through this whole F-ed up mess, saying "trust me, just trust me." By the conversation that is happening now, I can say I really don't know what God's voice sounds like in my life because I have hung on, tried to love someone who needs love, tried to love others in the situation that need love, and now what am I left with? Knowing that I don't know God's voice.

It makes me wonder what God's voice sounds like, it makes me wonder if it was His voice what miracle He is going to do, it makes wonder if there is a God. Why do I have the love I have for this person? Maybe I am just one messed up person who has just heard enough good advice from people to pass it on.

Love Is Patient

2008-09-02T13:22:00.006-04:00

In Shane Claiborn's "Irresistible Revolution" Mother Theresa is quoted as saying "Love until it hurts, then love some more." I am learning what she meant by this. I have no doubt that God is growing me in an area I needed to grow in through my current situation. To love someone when it hurts is difficult. To be completely blessed by a Father who loves more than ever could be imagined is exactly that, hard to imagine.

To be in a situation where you are unsure if the person you are loving is only using you is hard to judge whether to keep going on or to pull away. To think the reason you are loving someone, being there for them, is for personal gain on some level is even more disturbing. Paul says that he is not even good enough to judge his own heart and that is why we should not judge the heart of another. He says we will be known by our fruit.

I don't know what to do, I don't know what to say, I feel as though I have done everything I can, gave ever logical explanation, gave every logical option, but it is a choice of free will. I believe we are free, God made us that way, but I believe we are free only in Him. We are bond servants only to God if we choose. I choose to be a bond servant of God. He gives me strength to move on each day, to not completely lose the few marbles I have left and to see things through the eye of He who lives in me. What I see is not pretty, it is beautiful, what I see is not fun, it is more work than I have ever had to endure, what I want is not attainable by my will, but only the will of another.

I hope God knows what He is doing, because God knows I sure the hell don't.

Hobbies

2008-09-01T18:58:00.002-04:00

I've never really had a hobby, or anything I was "passionate" about other than Jesus, but Jesus isn't a hobby. I have had digital camera for the past couple of years, usually your standard point and shot camera, Sony, Kodak and Samsung were the three I had. I enjoyed taking pictures, but I guess I always felt limited with such a basic instrument.

Well back in May, Jenn and I decided to buy a Canon Rebel XTI partially with a gift card I received for my birthday. I bought the camera on special from Best Buy and it came with a few extras including another lens. It took me awhile, basically because it is a rather complicated device, before I really was able to get into taking my camera everywhere.

Today I have a Hobie, today I take my camera every watching, waiting for, an opportunity to take a picture. Louis Pasteur says "Chance favors the prepared mind," this might be why I carry my camera. So if you would like to see my pictures in depth feel free to check them out here.

Prayer

2008-08-31T10:39:00.002-04:00

Walked outside this morning wishing the day had started different and boy did it turn different real quick. I didn't sleep well last night even though I had taken an ambien which I haven't had to take in the last few nights strictly do to the time I actually went to bed. I woke up around 5 am, TV still on CNN, and thoughts going through my head like a runaway freight train. I was able to fall back asleep tossing and turning until I surrendered that idea and got out of bed.

I continued on with my morning routine, go the bathroom, get a glass of water, check my email, oh wait someone commented on my blog. Who is this person? It is rare someone other than Jenn, my mother, or Jenn's mother reads my blog, or for that matter comments, as I know they read it because they tell me. I start reading the comment and first thought that pops into my mind is "oh great another christian speaking christianese," so I read on and I am struck by the authenticity of the heart in the comment. It disturbed me in a way, not in a bad way, it just disrupted my morning thought process.

I walked outside, needing to grab my laundry out of the car, and I noticed the grey overcast sky again as we get the outside feeder bands from Gustav the storm that is expected to ravish N.O. in the next day or so. I was a little disappointed to not see sunshine, to not feel the bright South Florida morning sun beating down on my skin, and I took a minute and prayed. This is where it gets a little weirder.

I started to pray for someone and her family, that God would super-naturally intervene in the current situation, would mend their hearts and grow them together. I begged God to take care of her in her loneliness and I said, as I have said a number of times while praying for someone who I see as having a tremendous value in the Kingdom of God, "God I would give my worthless life to help this person." My eyes were closed and in that instant everything lit up and I could see the sunlight through my closed lids and feel it on my skin, and in a way I cannot describe other than a parent scolding their child I was told I am not worthless. I opened my eyes to look for the sun peeking through the clouds, nothing. I closed them again, full radiant sun light. I opened them, nothing grey. By this time I am a little weirded out, and I say to God "why is this world so messed up? Why is my family struggling? Why is this family here struggling? Why is it I am blessed with amazing support and love and a complete safety net of people right here with me, and your daughter is alone with nobody to wrap their arms around her, to hold her. God why is my mind so F'ed up, and my spirit so at peace? Why am I having these vivid "God encounters," and feel completely loved by you, and the one person who I cannot be in person to love feels hallow? Why God are you giving me your love and someone out there feels unloved?

I have no answers to any question, I only have a Father who reached down and embraced me this morning and shown His presence in a very real way and all the while I only had questions. Forgive me Father for being an ungrateful child this day, thank you Father for the over abundance of blessings you give me. Father please show me how to love the three families you have put in my life in ways that even I cannot understand and I ask you do it in such a manner so I cannot take the credit.

Broken

2008-08-30T23:25:00.003-04:00

Brokenness seems to be a common trend lately in those I love and me. when someone is broken it is both beautiful and very sad. It is beautiful because the only thing we can do is try and fix what is broken with resources outside ourselves. What are those resources? God, friends, family, council, and the willingness to say "I need help."

When I was young I remember vividly wishing my parents would get a divorce. Wishing this was a totally selfish thought I realize now. My parents marriage has always been what I do not want for the most part. There are aspects of their marriage I love dearly, I hold those values close to my heart. My parents are still married today, I hold that close to my heart because it makes it easier to visit them.

I say that last sentence in jest, I have been shown that a marriage can be held together through some of the toughest times. Held together not by one person, but by two people. The willingness to humble ourselves to say things like "I am sorry, I love you, forgive me please, and how do we work this out?"

I have lost my cool a couple times over the last couple days, I have lost my patience, and you know what it accomplished really? Nothing. I have been asked to give all of my heart to someone, to love someone unconditionally, to stand by and support her. To love and support her family equally. This is where the ideals of being a pacifist truly come into play. Jesus says I am to "love my neighbor," and I ask "who then is my neighbor?" My neighbor, is you, my neighbor is those who we would love to vilify because of their past actions. That is who I am to love. It goes against every fiber of my humanity to not point a finger, to not place the blame, to not yell obscenity to certain individuals who have wronged others. Truth is, who can yell those same obscenities at me?

Forgiveness is hard and there is no doubt about it. I have nobody to blame when it comes to me being in the situation I am in. I have free will to walk away whenever I choose. I am here because I have an opportunity to love people until it hurts. And trust me it does.

Strange Place To Build A House

2008-08-29T13:09:00.000-04:00

Beautiful Trash

2008-08-29T13:04:00.003-04:00

Understanding

2008-08-27T12:41:00.002-04:00

The more and more I feel God presence in my life the more I don't understand Him. I am content with this dichotomy. I am however understanding what it feels like to be loved, understanding the amazing promises God has made to us come true on a daily basis.

"Trust Me," is all I hear from Him. I do not hear elaborate sentences, unfolding plans of my future life, I only hear "Trust Me." Hearing these words is tough to someone who inherently does not trust anyone do to outside circumstances. It is the only option I have right now and I cling to it with every fiber of my being. Trusting Him has allowed me to see things in a way that are very hard to understand on a human level. I am not comfortable as a person with what I have been shown, I have no answer to give, I have no "right words," to offer, I have only availability and maybe this is what God wants from me.

Seeing brokenness in someone on a level in which I do not understand is hard. I cry sometimes, I cry from a place deep within me, not a cry of emotional hurt, loss, or anything that could be explained, I cry from a place deep within my soul. Maybe that place I cry from, is what God wants me to do. Sadness for someone else, pain for someone else, I cannot bear their tears, I cannot cry for them, but something in me does.

I have learned a lot recently, I have learned that God has filled me with an unexplainable love that has only been more evident in brokenness. I wonder why I have to love, why God has given me to strength to continue to love, and why He has not allowed me to be completely walk away. I know the answer, and the answer is simply "He did not walk away from me." A time in my life when I didn't have love, true love for anyone other than the person I thought I wanted to be.

I would look at myself in a mirror, disgusted by what I saw and try that much harder to be this person I thought I wanted to be. I had no idea what freedom was, and through the uncertainty of life, I have found the freedom to enjoy today. To learn from yesterday, not worry about tomorrow, and trust God and live in His complete freedom right now. In case you were wondering "I love you."

Give Me Your Eyes

2008-08-26T22:22:00.001-04:00

Beyond My Pay Grade

2008-08-26T09:37:00.003-04:00

Like Kenny Rodgers says "you gotta know when to hold'em, know when to fold'em, know when to walk away, and know when to run" I fold, I'm out, this is a hand I am not strong enough to deal with. I have walked away from things in my life and I have run away from things in my life. I have run from things because they were in fact life threatening. Knowing when to hold on to something and knowing when to fold, which means you are not out of the game, just out of this hand, is what I am learning.

Today I am at peace, I know my place, I know what is above me to handle and I know when not to say something and when to fight with all I have. By folding, it means I sit back and either at some point further along in the game I take on another hand, or it means I will bow out. It is time for me to sit back and watch, to wait, to trust God. Trusting God is much easier said than done. I am somewhat stubborn, it seems to take me awhile to "get it," and anyone that knows me knows this about me.

Sometimes it takes a few people telling me something and figuring out the solution through it. That is where I am at. It is out of my pay grade, it is out of my scope of practice, it is out of reach for me to help. So I will sit back in the wings and pray, pray for a situation I am completely helpless in and may in fact be more of a distraction in. Pray, pray, pray because the surface has only been scratched and the lines are still a little blurred.

Selfish

2008-08-25T21:13:00.003-04:00

I am selfish. There I said it. My father, as much as I love him, as much as God has healed my heart in amazing ways towards him and trying to love him for who he is, he is a very selfish man. I have heard plenty in the last couple of weeks about the sins of the father, being past on from generation to generation and I know how that can be broken. I know God is an amazing redemptive God who can break those family traditions, if you will, and start new in a generation.

I am my father's son. I, like he, struggled with drugs. I, like he, used drugs to dull the pain of things that happened in my past. I am privileged to have learned through other family members how hard it was for my dad to lose his father at a very young age. My grandfather died a very tragic and gruesome death. This messed my father up.

I remember my early childhood, like from age two to about seven. I remember being a little kid, playing catch with my father, playing cards with him laying on the living room floor while my mom watched Falcon Crest or Dallas. I remember the Sunday afternoons of playing "Go Fish" between church services. I don't remember the really bad parts anymore, other than one specific occasion that has haunted me into adulthood.

I don't remember exactly when, but it seemed as though all of the sudden my memories of my father being daddy end. He is one of those people you meet and think is funny, outgoing, and interesting. He is all of those things, he is also filled with fear, and looking out for what is best for him, he is selfish. Maybe this has to do with the fact he was without a father and forced to do a lot for himself through crucial parts of his life, maybe it is a defense mechanism to insure people don't get too close and he is then not vulnerable to being hurt.

I am my fathers son, and I refuse to carry on the same way of coping. I am in the middle of a situation where I have been asked to be selfless, to not seek out an ends that say "what does Shawn get out of this, what is in it for me?" But to be there, support, love (Agape) a person who needs that kind of love shown. Who needs grace during the hard times, to understand her when I really don't, to be supportive when not knowing what the outcome is going to be. She needs me to not be selfish.

I wrestled today with this very issue, having to decide to walk away in self-interest, or to stand by a person I said I would love no matter what. I could easily say this happened or that happened, giving a partial truth, but not giving all the details and people would say I was justified in walking away. I refuse to make this about me. I went back and forth with God about this all day long, trying to reason why my rational was correct. In the end I was reminded through two
conversations that the right thing to do is to be the man that God has called me to be in this situation. Selfless.

Regardless of the outcome, regardless of what "I might get out of this," I am called to be a brother in Christ. To be a man of God, a man that is trying to follow the example of Jesus. So we want to talk about selfless? Well we know what being selfless got Jesus, and He asked nothing in return from me that is near what He gave us.

I will be blogging more about my family soon. I have seen something happen with mom in the last week I am still trying to process and still thanking God for.

A Crazy Little Choice Called Love.

2008-08-25T17:46:00.004-04:00

My chest hurts, I think about it most of the day, I don't understand much right now. I attempt not to feel, not to think too much about a situation that fell apart and won't be explained here. I don't know much about love, I know I have learned more about love in the last two years than I have in my entire life. What I have learned about love is rather simple, Jesus commanded us to love God with all our heart, mind, and soul and also love your neighbor. I get this love, I understand this love because it is a love that can be taught, Jesus did and I am blessed with amazing people around me in my life who choose to love me.
This form of love, agape to be exact, is easy to understand. It means you love someone, even when they don't love you, you make the choice to love them. In my past when I have been hurt, or plain messed up, by the actions of another person who chose to do something that affected me in someway for the rest of my life I had to chose to forgive them. Forgiveness and love run hand and hand. Forgiveness does not mean you have to incorporate that person into your daily life, be there best friend, it just means you have let go of the control they have over you by not letting their actions dictate how you live life.
So love it's a choice, you cannot force someone to love you, you cannot make somebody chose to love you, it is out of free will. The romantic type of love which is all-together a different type love is also a choice. I don't believe in fairy tales, Hollywood romance, or anything else society has romanticized about a choice we make. By choosing to love another person in a romantic sense you open yourself up to someone having access to the most vulnerable parts of your being. That place that makes your heart ache when they choose to stop loving you. I know that beauty doesn't last forever, it fades away with our youth and in the end you are left with only the friendship and that special love that hits you deep forming an awesome partnership. I do not look at the things that fade with time, I kind of feel like I am past that in life.
So today I made a choice. I have loved, I have felt loved in a way I cannot describe and it is amazing. I have heard recent stories, known people personally who have been the recipients of people choosing not to love them anymore. let me just say I don't not want to take the risk of loving another person, only to have that person years down the line say "I don't love you anymore." It is a risk that is just not worth it.
I choose to love today, I choose to try and be more like Jesus and love in a way where those around me receive something greater from me than I from them and they can say I loved them. I want to live a life full of love, just not the love that hurts.

The Big Story

2008-08-24T19:01:00.001-04:00

Battles And War

2008-08-23T19:07:00.002-04:00

I slept last night a full 8 hours. This is the first time I have slept a solid night sleep in three weeks. I was exhausted, but felt the gratification of a minor victory.

Today as I wondered through Butterfly World I felt like a soldier in one of those old war movies walking around the battlefield in a daze, trying to process what just happened. A filed that might have once been serene, picturesque, and without commotion but is now littered with debris, never to be the same. Never do those people look happy, never do they look like the winners of the world series celebrating on the pitchers mound, they look lost, confused, a little bewildered. I know that's what I looked like to day. That's how I felt.

I know last night was the end of a major battle, I survived, those who are on the same side survived, but there are wounds. We all have them to varying degrees. Some wounds are severe and are going to take a long time to heal, some of us only have scratches and battle fatigue. Those of us who are not so wounded are going to have to carries those with the debilitating wounds through this war, until they too are able to fight along side of us.

The battle is won, the war isn't over. This is reality, this is the world we live in, this is a part of living in a Kingdom where the battle for lives is the battle we face every day and the result of which we will live with for eternity.

Serenity

2008-08-22T22:39:00.003-04:00

God grant me the serenity to
accept the things I cannot change
COURAGE to change the things I can
and WISDOM to know the difference.

Living one day at a time,
enjoying one moment at a time,
accepting hardships as the pathway to peace.
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it.

Trusting that He will make all things
right if I surrender to His Will
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him forever in the next. Amen

Most people can quote the first verse of the Serenity Prayer. Personally I love the whole prayer. I'm typically not a cliche type person and it seems more discouraging to me when people are during those moments in life when your world falls apart, but I love this one.

A couple things I learned during recovery I carry with me everyday is my room is evidence of how my day is going. If my room is disorganized and messy, chances are my life is in the same state. If I pick up after myself on a daily basis and maintain it, then it is easier to deal with. My life is no different. The second thing I learned was to say, in what might seem like a moment of victory and a "I have this licked" moment, is not to say I am cured I beat this. Truth is, I have failed at everything I have tried to do on my own. Without God, I screw up everything...eventually.

So despite my imperfections, I live day to day, knowing that I can understand, empathize with and have compassion on those who need it. The greatest thing about living in a broken world is nobody really has there stuff (I really wanted to say shit right here, but I didn't want to offend anyone) together on their own. Some are great actors, some accept being a mess and live a messy life, and then there are those who ask God to manage their lives. I ask God to manage my life. Seriously, I would never hire me to be a manager of anything.

I write this blog as simple words of encouragement to those who may need it and also to remind myself of the journey God is taking me on. So final word of advice, "Hang on tight, it's a wild ride!"

4-H Humor (Or Humour)

2008-08-22T22:27:00.003-04:00

Being Used

2008-08-21T09:35:00.003-04:00

My good friend Paul, a man I respect for his wisdom and am blessed by the love he shows, said to me "we always ask for God to use us and sometimes it really hurts, then we ask 'God why have you allowed this to happen, why am I in this place?' all the while we asked to be used by God." Last night I watch a concert with some friends, it was a rather new artists named Brandon Heath who has a couple song on Christian radio, One of his songs is called "Give Me Your Eyes So I Can See" this is painful.

I have been drop right in the middle of one of the most painful events of my life, some may know the relationship between Jenn and I as far as planning to get married has been called off. I do not hold the liberty to get into the details of the "why's" but I can say it is the right thing, right now. The pain that may be associated with a "failed" relationship is superseded by the pain of a child of God that is so great it transends the desire to pity myself in anyway. The gravity of the situation is such that I am not at liberty to detail what is wrong. I have been placed in the life of a very special person, like all of us, a very broken person and it is not my place to question why, only to support someone through the process of getting through it. She has not hurt me, she has not messed things up more, she has only allowed me to walk this journey with her.

So I know, when we ask to see the world through the eyes of Jesus, we see a broken world, a world that needs only to be loved, if I asked to be used by God I have a taste of the gravity in which this request holds. You are worthy of love.

This I Am Not!

2008-08-19T22:38:00.002-04:00

Grace

2008-08-18T21:01:00.002-04:00

God shows me grace, He shows me grace in ways I cannot explain. That I am grateful for. I don't understand much these days, I don't understand why I am sitting here on the phone with Justin, unable to explain what has taken place as I don't feel like trying to sort through it. Honestly I don't think it can be sorted through in a manner that would make logical sense. So I continue to fight, I look toward Jesus and know without him I am done for.

I know when I am in a fight, I get an adrenaline rush, I feel the fight in every part of my body. I can feel when I am hit, it hurts, the key to being a good fighter is to recover from a hit. Right now I am a little dazed, things are a bit foggy, I've just been hit but I am aware and I know I have to fight.

The Bible says we do not fight against things of the flesh, but things of the spirit. I would never say something as cocky as "bring it on," I know better than to do that. I know though that God is on my side. I know that I can one day look back and say "I grew out of this." I hope and pray someone very close to me can say the same thing.

I had a dream last Wednesday night that went like this. I was standing in water about waste deep, and I was messing with a snake that was rather large, my knew it was a Cottonmouth, a poisonous snake and I was taunting it. The snake swung around and it bit me on the hand. I freaked, I was alone, there was nobody around. In my panic, my blood flowed faster, I could feel the poison moving up my arm. I screamed out for God to help me. A man appeared, I cannot tell you what he looked like, but I asked him if he could put a tourniquet on my upper arm, he said "sure," and did so. He looked at me and said "come with me." We started walking up this hill, he was holding my left arm steady with his right arm and hold the snake that bit me, dead, lifeless, in his other hand. I looked down on my wounded hand. He said "see it's okay," which I replied "we need to get to a hospital!" He said again "it's okay." I looked down again and there were holes, but there was no pain. The poison had left my body, but there were still wounds.

When I woke up from the dream I instantly knew I was going to be dealing with some serious spiritual warfare. I have been beaten, broken, and battered a little in the last few days. I will grow from this trial, I will count it a blessing, I will be stronger as every fight builds endurance. I don't know how many times in life I have felt broken, I don't know how many more are ahead, but I know God loves me enough to bring us through the scrapes along the way.

I am praying for you.

Empty Spaces

2008-08-17T21:06:00.003-04:00

Sliding the window blind open, in seat 28F, I view the sea of clouds. I am trying to put my finger on it and i have. I am empty. I feel like an emotional void for the first time in my life, not depressed, not happy, lost, with no direction.
I write this from the Atlanta airport where I have a lay over before landing "home" to a life I will not recognize. My heart was left across the border like a small box containing what I thought was love.
The Bible says God loves me, my friends say they love me, my family says they love me. Truth is I do not know how to receive love. Inside your heart there must be a little device like a transmitter and receiver for a radio, mine needs some serious technical support. Without the ability to love, without the ability to feel loved, purpose in this life is void. Money, fame, success means nothing to me. I just want to love and feel loved.
The Bible says the heart is deceitful so I am not sure how that works if the heart is where love comes from. If it is deceitful then where does love come from?
I'm lost and for the first time I really have no desire to talk to anyone about it, I have no desire to screw up another person's life, to make them feel as though they have done something wrong, to listen to my heart and think it loves. I don't trust my heart, I don't trust my "feelings," I don't even know what trust is at the moment.
I Don't think I will be blogging anymore, I will leave this blog up for those who happen to stumble across it as there are many great writers linked to under the blog listings. I had planned to stop writing in April, I guess I need to go through with what I planned...for once in my life.

MercyMe - Cover Tune Grab Bag - Never Gonna Give You Up

2008-08-15T22:15:00.001-04:00

The wonderfully funny, beautifully smart, gorgeous Jenn introduced me to Mercy Me's "Cover Tune Grab Bag." They are talented and as a large hefty man I can say I like the fact that Bart is a large hefty front man of a huge band. Anyway, I dedictate this Youtube video to the most special woman in the world!

Canada Eh!

2008-08-13T12:48:00.024-04:00

I arrived safely in Vancouver Saturday morning and after a friendly greeting from Canadian customs with there complete lack of sense of humor, I was was finally with Jenn. So I have plenty to write about, but would first like to post some pictures I have taken over the past few days.

Living In Two Worlds

2008-08-05T22:55:00.002-04:00

Jenn posted a blog last night having to do with living in a dual reality. Recognizing the fact the spirit world, not only runs along side, but is jointly separate. Jointly separate is the only way I can describe it.

I noticed as I draw closer to God, I become more vulnerable to, or sensitive to, spiritual things. I know my past has much to do with it. I know going through all the bad crap as a child, making poor decisions and plunging into the drug sub-culture, you become more exposed to the places and people who are slightly unsavory. The upside to being spiritually sensitive is the true fact there is God. God is good, everything about Him is pure, good and just. This being said, we often only recognize the run ins we have with the spirit world, when it is with that of an evil nature.

I count myself as being blessed with, what I believe, are the things I have been allowed to see. On occasion I am woken up in the middle of the night, wanting only to pray, feeling completely in the middle of a spiritual fight. Last night was one of those nights. Jenn and I are recognizing when we come under attack as both individuals and a couple. When we recognize what is an attack, we do only what we can. We pray and often ask Mom (Canadian type) to pray with us.

These past couple days, Jenn and I, have experienced open, blatant, spiritual warfare. Not subtle attacks, the kind where the enemy throws a curve ball at you and things happen and start to fall apart seemingly out of nowhere, these have been full frontal assaults. The kind of open assault that violates every part of you. Jenn writes "We are exposed to the nature of the humanity around us, and all that is truly inhuman in our world." This, with me, leaves a really uncomfortable feeling in my body. Today I captured one of those moments on my camera.

Often times when I am in the West Palm clinic, I will take a road home that takes me straight through the saddest part of West Palm Beach. There are prostitutes, homeless, crack addicts, crack deals, all the broken parts of our society can be seen in one stretch of about 3 miles of road. I took a picture of a prostitute from my car, which is full tented, from about 100 Yards away from where she was walking. As I raised the camera, the woman started mimicking the actions of me taking the picture in such a dramatic fashion, staring straight at me. I could hardly believe what I was seeing through the lens of my camera. I snapped a picture and made a turn down a road that would circle me around to the other side of where the woman was standing. She was gone and I was left with nothing more then a feeling of violation and a picture to remind me of the brokenness of being human.

The Gimp #7

2008-08-05T21:51:00.002-04:00

I took this rapid shot picture of this guy net casting in the Jupiter Inlet yesterday and with the help of David figured out a cool way to animate it. This is the result of much hard work with The Gimp.

The Gimp #6

2008-08-04T19:13:00.003-04:00

Fire Hydrant...Yep, that's what it is!

Intentional Beauty

2008-07-30T22:17:00.003-04:00

I love rot iron lamps. i am not sure why, but I do. I love old gas lamps. In Portsmouth New Hampshire the entire old downtown area is full of the gas lights. There is even a restaurant/pub, which I frequented a time or two, called the Portsmouth Gas Light Co. which has tremendous food and beer if you are ever in the seacoast region of New Hampshire.
Anyway, now that I am totally ADD and off the point of this post, I will try and get back on track. I love lights, but taking pictures of them in an interesting way it a challenge. Here in South Florida, we don't have a very many places that were built pre 1970's, so finding older things such as rot iron lamps is near impossible. Tonight though I was treat to the lamp above and it is beautiful.

Tree Frog

2008-07-29T22:45:00.002-04:00

Beautiful Accidents

2008-07-28T22:35:00.002-04:00

Living in South Florida in the summer you have to deal with a little thing called humidity. When you leave your nicely air conditioned place of residence, you walk into a very warm, very moist, environment. This causes a little problem with glass. Whether it be your eye glasses, or your lens on your camera, it will in fact fog up. So I wanted to take a picture of a tree fog which hangs out next to this lamp, but it jump away before my lens cleared up. A little disappointed I tried something else, I took a picture of the street lamp and this is the result, a very cool image, that I had to do nothing to, to look like I worked hard at it. Enjoy...

Mycteria Americana, Also Known As Ugly-Ass Bird.

2008-07-28T20:21:00.003-04:00

Okay, maybe I'm being a little unfair to this Wood Stork, but the truth is, it's pretty much one ugly bird!

Anhinga...And Bless You Too!

2008-07-28T20:15:00.005-04:00

These are some interesting birds. They are aquatic birds that swim under water eating fish. When they are done eating they stand with their wings spread open to dry the water out so they can become other than aquatic birds, like you know, fly.

The Gimp #6

2008-07-26T18:06:00.002-04:00

When Work Carries Over In Real Life.

2008-07-26T14:07:00.004-04:00

S: cc 5 y/o male (Owl) c/o of loss of visual field OD.
O: Slight drooping of the RUL.
A: Blepharoptosis of the RUL.
P: Refer to Occular Plastic Surgeon for eval and considerations for SX for laxity of the muscles of the upper eyelid causing functional visual impairment when photographs in straight gaze show the margin reflex difference.

Weird Flower

2008-07-26T13:59:00.002-04:00

Jenn thinks it looks fake and I cannot really disagree. I forget what kind of flower this is, I know it's on a vine of some sort, not sure the name of the vine either. Anyway enjoy my bizarre looking real flower.

The Gimp #5

2008-07-24T21:28:00.002-04:00

I took this picture this evening of an Egret in the pond/mote thingy near my house.

The Gimp #4

2008-07-21T19:16:00.003-04:00

I absolutely love how this picture came out. I decolorized the background then added the hue I wanted.

..........The 40 Day Fast, Day 28: Team 2........ In The Open-Child Trafficking In America.

2008-07-19T18:14:00.013-04:00

It has only been recently that major news organizations are reporting on human trafficking, sadly long over due from our media giants. In 2004 a press release was made by Berkley's Human Rights Center that should have been a wake up call to all of us. The findings in this study stunned those who were involved, it stated "'The most shocking aspect of this report is that modern-day slavery still exists,' said Laurel Fletcher, a researcher at the Human Rights Center and professor at U.C. Berkeley's law school. 'Slavery is a problem the public thinks we solved long ago, but, in fact, it's alive and well. It has simply taken on a new form.'" Read the whole story here...

Human trafficking has taken over the number two spot, only behind the drug trade, for the top money makers in organized crime. The number two spot used to belong to the illegal sale and distribution of arms, but the human life once again has been proven to be more valuable than weapons, unfortunately the exponents promoting this idea are coming from the wrong source.

Here, in America, we have raised the awareness of human trafficking through blogging, but it seems to be explained away as "this is an international issue, it doesn't happen here" type mentality that is sadly wrong. The FBI has determined that 300,000 young people are trafficked within the United States each year and that the average age for females entering prostitution in America is 13 and for males is 11. There are only 45 total beds, not safe house locations, but beds to help aide victims in their escape out of slavery. For this reason I have chosen Ahavakids as the organization to blog about.

I was introduced to this organization after being invited to listen to Raymond Bechard give a talk on human trafficking with an emphasis on child slavery at the Jewish Community Center in West Palm Beach. Raymond is the authur of UNSPEAKABLE: The Hidden Truth Behind the World's Fastest Growing Crime, and started ahavakids in 2003. According to Raymond "Ahavakids has no religious affiliation and he feels like the whole purpose of this organization is to just love the victims of this horrible crime."

Ahava Kids, a 501(c)3, Not-For-Profit human rights organization, exists to rescue and care for victims of child trafficking, exploitation, and abuse in the United States and throughout the world. Through direct intervention, Ahava Kids has developed the process of Intervention, Care and Prevention. This is the most effective method of removing young people from the various dangers of exploitation and abuse while giving them the best chance at survival and a far better life. Using this process, Ahava Kids has assisted in saving over 3,000 young people around the world and in the United States since 2003.

In the United States, Ahava Kids is now committed to providing individual victims with the customized care they need in order to obtain a safe and healthy life while empowering them with the resources they need for a greater future. Current social programs have failed drastically in the area of victim support. The multi-layered challenges and issues facing these young people can only be answered with active multi-disciplinary solutions.

Ahava Kids builds real relationships with victims in order to further their rehabilitation and build their self-esteem. Another very positive outcome of these valuable relationships is that prosecutors can rely on victims as powerful witnesses. In this way, Ahava Kids can assist in the prosecution of criminals, thereby reducing future crimes of this nature from being committed against young people.

After Raymond was done speaking, my friend Mike and I talk with him. He showed us slides of craigslist listings from prostitution and we were blown away. He also showed us how various other social networking site can be responsible for promoting such a crime . I decided to see for myself how many were listed here in Palm Beach County alone. Here are the results. 663 listed under the search with a"maximum age of 18". 9,666 listed with a "maximum age of 20," over 58,000 listings for South Florida alone with no age specified. I was shocked

Prostitution is NOT a victimless crime, the most unfortunate part is the girls and boys who are trapped in this lifestyle are usually treated as criminals, not as victims of a Federal crime.

I have been blessed with the opportunity to help in the start up of the Florida Chapter which, In the next few months, Ahava Kids will open a safe house in Florida for victims of the Commercial Sexual Exploitation of Children (CSEC) and other at-risk victims of human trafficking.

I have chosen to be a part of this organization simply to "love the least of these" to actually put to practice what I preach. I encourage all who read this to take time and see where and how you can help in this struggle.

Today’s post is part of the 40 Day Fast, a collection of 80 bloggers joining together to shed light on needs around the world and the people who are making a difference. Joining me today is Brad blogging about TOMS Shoes.

Lord Help Me- Part 2

2008-07-19T14:35:00.003-04:00

So after posting this post Jenn informed me she doesn't like the original Star Trek, but like Next Generation. Truth is it made me feel a little better. I am not sure the reason why it made me feel a little better, maybe because Mr. Zulu is not in Next Generation and the guy just totally creeps me out because he talks the same way in real life as he does in the show, or maybe it's the quality of acting and technology.

You have to admit the quality of Star Trek: Next Generation is in fact superior of the show our parents faithfully watched and does not conjure up images of someone playing D&D at lunch with a runny nose and attending Star Trek conventions. It is okay that she likes sci-fi, I can deal with it, I just hope she enjoys watching hours of Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom.

The Gimp #3

2008-07-19T13:52:00.002-04:00

I used function called paths and made Shamu black and white. Can you tell?

The Gimp #2

2008-07-19T13:08:00.003-04:00

Learning how to use the Gimp a little more.

I Can Tell By The Glare This Is A Female Owl...

2008-07-17T21:25:00.001-04:00

Beautiful Flowers

2008-07-17T20:25:00.009-04:00

Frustrations are frustrating. I will first mention the picture of the flowers above has nothing to do with the post, it is more of a Jack Handey type picture than a picture that is relevant to the fact that frustrations are in fact frustrating. The most frustrating part of frustration is that it is completely frustrating. There are plenty of things that cause frustration and then there is the frustration of the one who is my better half and those too are frustrating to me because I feel I cannot be near her and that is frustrating. So being frustrated about being frustrated and frustrated that Jenn is frustrated, which is frustrating when we are both frustrated and I am only more frustrated by the fact that I cannot be there to just hangout and not have to be on the phone because we are both frustrated. So I suppose you can tell I'm a little frustrated, Jenn's a little frustrated, and that's frustrating. To further to my frustration I started blogging about how frustrated I am and the power went out. How in the world does the power go out when you live in a place that has underground power because it's also has the highest amount of lightning strikes in our country and these other little phenomena called Hurricanes. I also wonder why sometimes you see the flash of lighting but don't hear thunder? So do you have any deep thoughts? What kind of mood are you in? How was your day? Are you frustrated?

PS If you are frustrated please don't tell me because I don't need to be further frustrated...thanks and a frus-free day! Oh and you can never reheat french fries because it makes them stale and rubbery, not the way french fries are intended and frustrating when people think it's okay. And Jenn tells me she does not like the original Star Trek which is a huge relief.

Photo courtesy of Me

Oh Lord Help Me- Part1

2008-07-13T23:14:00.005-04:00

It is funny the things you learn about one another throughout a relationship, you learn the little things that mean something to the person, you learn about the rough spots, you learn about the tough things from the past that have made you who you are today. You also learn the things that make you go "oh my gosh are you serious?" I will share a little tid bit of information, I love to purse shop. Go ahead laugh it up, I don't care.

Last night during conversation Jenn dropped a bomb on me about herself. The decision to share this with all of you was not an easy one, but after much prayer and seeking godly council I feel it is okay to share this intimate detail of Jenn's life here, in public, for all to see.

It had been a normal conversation nothing too dramatic when she said to me " Honey, I am a Star Trek fan..." What? A Star Trek fan, oh no, the racing thoughts that went through my head in that instant is what has caused me a day of reflecting on what to write. " Will I have to attend conventions? Does she? Does she have a uniform?" I started to put it all together, " all those names James, Leonard, Chekov, Uhura, Sareck, oh no say it isn't so, she's going to want to name our son Spock. Is she going to make me go on our honey moon to a Star Trek convention? worse yet, is she going to scream something horribly frightening such as 'Warp eight Mr Zulu' at the most inappropriate consummating moment that is supposed to be sacred between her and me, not with the entire crew of the Starship Enterprise?" Is this really where she is going the first weekend in August?

All these questions, what am I to do? Stay tuned and I will keep you updated about the progress, hopefully with pictures, after I receive an email from Intervention on A&E.

Pagan Christianity - The Controversial Best Seller

2008-07-13T12:02:00.001-04:00

Day Planner

2008-07-13T10:57:00.004-04:00

I took a walk around a place not built for community, but privacy. Cut off, designed to discourage knowing your neighbor. Garage's to park in, back entrances to your home, privacy walls in too tall to see past, assures you don't have to speak to the person you live next door to. We have a beautiful pond that wraps around the entire development like a mote protecting us from the outside world. I generally enjoy a walk around it, the nicely decorated bridges that allow those who live in the middle to cross with easy, going from empty lot of natural growth, to stripped lot with a partially built home, to the completed home with a perfectly manicured lawn. Oh the joys of the H.O.A...
Rethinking the discussion Jenn and I had last night of my health issues, the fact she is making this commitment and loving me regardless of my health, supporting me through the uncertainty of what is causing these problems, planning our wedding, planning our future together. The emails from mom (Jenn's) encouraging me, letting me know she is praying for me, reminding me I am special and my visit there in 27 days is an occasion that means so much to all of us. I am not used to that, I am not used to family acting so excited to see me, to hang out and have laughs together.
As I thought through this all, taking in the environment around me, I relaxed enough to go into free streaming thought, free flow of mental awareness. While the following may not make much sense to anyone reading this it does to me, so hang on.

Planning my life is somewhat pointless at times, like this day planner discarded finding its way to water reclamation.
Manicured, empty, half-built, safe haven of anti-community. Crappie, Blue Gill, Sun Fish, living in harmony as two young men in a small boat try and tempt them with plastic worms.
Plastic worms is what the PVC pipes look like, sticking out of empty lots, the evidence of planned houses yet to be constructed.
Five adults and three chick Gallinules call to one another congregating in the middle of the water, greeting each other with what looked like a kiss, then swimming off together.
A water bottle from a high end bottled water company, an empty beer bottle of quality beer, a Starbucks cup floating at the waters edge, this is where I live.
An Egret patiently stalking small creatures feeling high on the food chain only to be spooked by the two young men who give a polite wave and smile as they pass by.
Is Jenn getting restful sleep? I pray she is, three hours behind under the same moon, on the same continent in a different country, should I call her? No, let her sleep, she needs the rest in her own bed.
I need to write a blog.
A friendly nod to the 30 somethings guy walking his Boxer with a nod in return.
Thanks Neighbor...

Victim Not Criminal

2008-07-09T21:01:00.003-04:00

Monday evening Mike and I attended a talk by Raymond Bechard author and founder of Ahavekids.org at the Jewish Community Center in West Palm Beach. I received an email last week from my friend Megan who sent out a mass email telling friends about it. I was unsure about whether or not this was going to be some guy pushing the book he wrote, or someone truly trying to make a difference. Let me just say he didn't have any books with him.

Raymond talked for nearly an hour and a half taking question as he went along about human trafficking, with a focus on child trafficking...here in America.

According to ahava's website child trafficking is characterized by three stages-

Recruitment of trafficking victims take place primarily in developing countries like Asia, Eastern Europe, the former Soviet Union, Latin America and Africa. Countries of origin are generally marked by economic and political instability.
Transportation typically involves a complex route of travel and paid handlers. Depending on the length of transit and the political situation at the point of destination, smugglers pay widely varying prices for transport and bribes.
Exploitation. In the country of destination, trafficked persons are usually exploited by their recruiters for financial profit, and are sold or leased to others. Such persons usually hold their victims under conditions of physical captivity, and use force, threats, debt bondage, drugs, and coercion to subject them to different forms of exploitation. As with any illegal activity, information and data that convey the true scale of the problem is difficult to measure accurately. Typically, these children are taken – either through force or deception – and trafficked to distant places, sometimes within their own country, sometimes to foreign lands. There, they often join many other children already trapped in the commercial sex industry.

He mentioned that this is now the number two money making crime in organized crime world wide. It is highly enabled by "social networking" sites such as fling.com, eros.com, and the shocker to most of us craigslist.org.

Last year the FBI estimated there were 300,000 victims of trafficking here in the U.S. alone. There are only 45 beds nationwide in safe houses to help make a way out for these victims. This is not a very good ratio...at all!

After he was done speaking Mike and I were able to talk with him, which he showed us slides of craigslist listings from prostitution, we were blown away. I decided to see for myself how many were listed here in Palm Beach County alone. Here are the results. 663 listed under the search with a"maximum age of 18". 9,666 listed with a "maximum age of 20" listed with no specific age for all of South Florida.

Prostitution is NOT a victimless crime, and the most unfortunate part of this, is those men and women who are trapped in this lifestyle are treated as criminals, not as victims of a Federal crime.

Prostitution is not the only for of human trafficking and modern slavery, it is merely the most grotesque form. Stay Posted as I write for the 40 Day Fast on July 20Th.

Suburban Safety And Three Conversations

2008-07-07T23:25:00.004-04:00

I needed to burn up an hour of time before heading down to the Jewish Community Center for a seven o'clock talk about human trafficking. I decided on Pyros for a chicken salad wrap and a Starbucks venti double shot for an after meal treat reading a little more Irresistible Revolution. I was privy to three conversations which only went to further how safe it truly is in an affluent, well manicured, suburban community.
As I entered into Pyros I glanced to my left to see three men sitting at a table, two whose back were to me, had written in bold lettering "POLICE Street Crimes Unit." I am accustomed to seeing police in Pyros as it is a popular local place with really good, fresh (never frozen), food. It is not a big place, so I sat in relatively close proximity.
I looked them over and all three had goatees, two with long hair, one with a shaved head. The fellow with a shaved head had a plain black shirt, camo cargo shorts and no visible gun or badge on his belt. Two assumptions could be made by the conversation, either A) he was an undercover narcotics officer, or B) he was a CI (confidential informant, a 'snitch'). This is the part of the conversation, which was not being said quietly by any stretch of the imagination, that got my attention.
Shaved head guy: "we need to get on this guy soon, I don't know how much longer I can't keep putting him off, I have blown him off the last two weekends text messaging him 'I'm in Ft. Lauderdale it's a no go'. He isn't going to stick around forever and he might start to get suspicious." Long haired police officer: "well we'll see what we can do, I know we wanna nail this guy, get him off the street. How much coke do you think you can get him to sell you?"
Whoa wait a second, did I just hear you right? Buddy i am trying to eat my dinner here, there a some things in life I just don't want to be a part of anymore, can't you take it to Starbucks or something...
Dinner was quickly done and I walked out the door and into Starbucks. I stood at the counter ordering my drink and noticed the only other customers inside the store was this well dressed, but sketchy looking white guy sitting with this black lady with his hand on her leg. This alone didn't bother me and as I stood at the end of the counter waiting patiently for my drink, I over heard their conversation, which like the cops, they were making no effort to talk quietly or hide their conversation.
Guy: "listen, I like you a lot (OK harmless), and I want to get you more work (huh?), is there any certain types of guys you won't be with? Is there anything you are not willing to do?" What the front door did I just hear him right? Her response was somewhat muffled, but I heard the no and no.
I walked out to sit and read my book at the only open table, the table on one side of me were two 30 something guys, one was trying to talk the other into a business venture, no doubt a website, having to do with music. The table on the other side of me were three middle aged men with navy blue polo-shirts, khaki pants and brief cases, all three had the same logo on their shirts "FBI." Their conversation quickly went from work related cases (which by the way was not interesting) to one saying "you know, we had (gesturing to one of the others) to go to his house because he didn't show up to work at 10 in the morning to wake him up out of a drunken' stupor." The third guy: " isn't there anything we can do?" First guy: "well we were trying to figure out if we can Marchman act him?" The Marchman act is similar to Baker acting someone who is mentally ill. It is for those who are a danger to themselves or others do to drug or alcohol abuse. Third guy: "He should have gotten help a long time ago, but they just didn't offer the kind of counseling available to the agents now a days." Second guy: "I sure hope this does affect his career with the Bureau."
I left to go pick up Mike to head down to see Raymond Bechard speak about the epidemic problem of human trafficking and an organization called Ahava Kids who are actually doing something to fight the number two profitable crime in the world (drugs being the number one) right here in America... I have more to say about this topic, organization, and talk in a blog to follow.
Two people said the same exact thing to me when talking about these overheard conversations.

"Wow and you think we are safe here in suburbia, but we're not!"

New Blog

2008-07-07T17:35:00.003-04:00

If You haven't heard yet, it is official between Jenn and me. I proposed on Saturday June 27Th at approximately 7:30 PM. So we have kind of set a date, kind of set a venue (or at least general location) and have set up a blog where you can follow along with us in this journey of becoming husband and wife you can find the blog here and in case you cannot remember it is pretty dang easy, it's just http://www.shawnandjennb.blogspot.com/. we will be posting about our engagement, relational issues, immigration issues (she's one of them there foreigner types), the planning process (or Pro-cess if you will) and we welcome any advice, tips, or comments about all of the above.

Jenn just headed home yesterday again and I will be headed up there in 33 days. This time it wasn't so bad as I dropped her off as there is not an uncertainty which plagued our last trip to the airport to drop her off to go back home. I wish she was around, she is such a blast to hangout with, and she is way smart, but all is good I will see her soon enough.

This whole relationship thing is interesting and it is a learning experience which I am slowly getting. Both Jenn and myself have been single for a number of years, both tried the online dating thing, which failed miserably, and both are adjusting and learning how to let go of a little bit of the independence to make the other a priority. Please keep us in your prayers as I am sure we will need them and we would love to have you along in this journey of intertwining two lives.

It's Not A Mystery, It's A Cover Up!

2008-07-07T17:08:00.005-04:00

Photo: Peter Brylinke
Not sure if you too have ever wondered how Santa gets the reindeer ready for the Christmas delivery, but rumor has it, he trains year round with them to get them into shape. The details are not exactly clear at this moment, but the associated press are claiming the cause of a mysterious dent in the nose cone of a Northwest airlines flight, flying from Detroit to Tampa, was well, a mystery. You can read the whole "story" here, but I think I know what really happened as Rudolph was not present during head count upon arrival back to the North Pole. It's a sad day for the most famous reindeer of all...and yet again losing faith in the transparency of another government organization.

Status Quo

2008-06-25T22:01:00.006-04:00

Settling for the status quo is subjective, I realize this. I want to be known as a radical, I want to live a life that Jesus would approve of. This past week has been a little on the stressful side, this past two months has been full of change, stress, learning, seeking God. Decisions have been made, those decisions have been questions. Life happens, but one thing is constant, God. He is there all the time and frankly I cannot seem to get away from him and live my life out how I want to live it.

I don't know if it has to do with the books I've been reading, what God has been teaching me through the Bible, what God has been teaching me through relationships with people, or a combination of all of the above. All I know is my world is being turned upside down and it is an awesome thing. I have learned that in the process of learning to trust God, He will push you to your absolute limits, this stretching I guess.

I will list the books I have either read or are currently reading in the past few months and it may give an insight as to why my thoughts and growth are heading in the direction they are.

Currently reading:
Sex God by Rob Bell
Irresistible Revolution by Shane Claiborne
War With No End (This one would piss off 99% of people I know) by John Berger, Naomi Klein, Hanif Kureishi, China Mieville, Arundhati Roy, Ahdaf Soueif, Joe Sacco, Haifa Zangana

I just started:
Call To Commitment by Elizabeth O'Connor.

I finished:
The Shack by William Young
Divine Nobodies by Jim Palmer
Joshua by Joseph F. Girzone
Jim and Casper Go To Church by Jim Henderson and Matt Casper
Revolution by George Barna
Pagan Christianity by Frank Viola and George Barna.

If you were raised in church and ever confused about anything regarding Christianity feel free to read this list above, it will mess you up more. Or maybe it will get the wheels turning as to what it means to be a follower of Jesus Christ and what the Kingdom of God is really all about.

The Gimp

2008-06-22T21:33:00.002-04:00

I downloaded The Gimp 2.0 as it is a free open source software equivalent to Photoshop, but the keyword is free. I am having difficulties figuring it out though and here is my first attempt with a picture of a Canary I took a couple months back.

Butterflies

2008-06-22T15:00:00.001-04:00

Music That Shapes Us

2008-06-21T21:37:00.002-04:00

The first compact disc I ever owned was Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magic by The Red Hot Chilly Peppers. It was actually a gift that I received at the white elephant gift exchange in my youth group at church. My parents loved that one.

I grew up listening to The Yard Birds, The Beetles, Eric Burdon and The Animals, War, Country Joe & The Fish, The Doors, Jimmy Hendrix, The Mommas and The Papas, Harry Chapin, Larry Norman, WAR, Big Brother and The Holding Company, Bob Dylan, Los Lobos, Jefferson Airplane, Buffalo Springfield, Jim Croce, Simon & Garfunkel, America, Ray Charles, Buddy, Smokey Robinson, Fats Domino, and Jerry lee Lewis, just to name some of the bands I remember vividly growing up. My father would play a song from the Woodstock album that started with "Give me'a F, give me'a U..." and so on and so forth, which evidently my father played as a teenager through very loud speakers which were across the street from a junior high school track as other kids ran around the track, according to my Aunt.

There is no doubt that the music I was raised with shaped the kind of music I listen to still today. bands like Rusted Root, Dave Matthews Band, Widespread Panic, Wilco, Bed Harper, Gov't Mule, Donavan Frankenryder, Guster, Cold Play, Ray Lamontagne, Damien Rice, Athlete, Switchfoot, Mute Math, Counting Crows, O.A.R., The Punch Brothers, and a few other odds and ends who are less listened to and the aforementioned music my father would play are occasionally placed in to be heard.

The thought of all this was through a conversation I had with Jenn's mom and Jenn's subsequent post about the unique music she was raised on. All I can say is I am glad I was raised listening to the type of music that shaped the type of music I listen to now. Maybe this is the reason I don't like rap, but can tolerate country music. So enjoy the song by Rusted Root I have included here as it gives a little insight to the weird music I hope my kid one day blogs about.
back to the earth - rusted root

Sabotage

2008-06-21T19:24:00.002-04:00

The scenario is nothing new, most of us have already been through high school, have already moved past the need to be accepted by "those in authority" to be liked by the "popular" person. We've all experienced those people in our lives back in high school who were the "teachers pets," those people who would constantly kiss the ass of the teacher, would tattle on every kid just to "score points." Well you know what those kids grow up to be?

Bus Drivers

They continue to do the same thing in the work place. They are generally half-ass workers who have no other way of "standing out" other than to constantly point out the flaws in others. They will drive the bus right over you, see you laying there in the dirt smile and ask if you are alright, then back the bus up over you. They are not the caring bus driver you had in school who would stop at ever railroad crossing, open the door, look, listen and feel. They are determined to point out everything they think is not a quality, only to point out the couple of aspects of themselves which are good.

Here is the problem, how do we the people who are not going to stoop to their level, continue working with good work ethic, to do our jobs without having the added stress of some total A-hole constantly being too worried about what you are doing and not paying attention to the job they are getting paid for. This is something that is easy for me to deal with when it happens to me, but when it happens to the woman I love, I feel helpless.

I am supposed to protect her? I am, how do I do that? I could stoop to the level of a certain someone and passively threaten the person. I could call up her boss up and tell him to have surgery to fix his rectal cranial inversion. Would it resolve anything? No, unfortunately. While the brief satisfaction of telling someone off, of making someone look stupid, of bringing there miserable life in the fore front of their own eye and put it out of display for everyone to see, it resolves nothing.

We have to deal with these people in life for the rest of our lives and I don't think there is any other way around it other than to pray, to ask God to intervene in whatever way He does His thing. We are called to be witnesses for Him, we are not called to take His job over... even though we deal with people who do!

Mother-In-Law!

2008-06-21T13:50:00.003-04:00

I don't quite have one of those yet, I will not technically have until the beginning of next year, but I cannot help but be reminded of all the horror stories and really bad "mother-in-law" jokes that are out there. I think about the two experiences my brother has had. His ex-mother-in-law is controlling and manipulative, continually undermining the marriage he was once in and was the eventual cause of a failed marriage. I think about his current mother-in-law, a nice lady, but not supportive in any other way then to sit there quietly, never giving her opinion unless she is critiquing my current sister-in-law.

I think about what my brother has to go through, the stress on both of his marriages because of the way they have either been too involved and destructive, or complete dead weight in the process to help nurture a healthy and growing marriage. I have always prayed that God would send me a mother-in-law who would be just a mother.

I have been blessed with that one request in Jenn's mother Annemarie thus far through the process of our relationship and the planning of our wedding. I am blessed with being able to email her almost daily and phone conversations weekly. She has been supportive of Jenn and been there for her to lean on during a time when adjusting to a new job with new responsibilities that has left her "on the other team" and "not one of them" as she is their boss.

She helps us with planning the wedding, with ideas, with a budget and money to have a wedding. She provides love in a motherly way. She is a compassionate, loving, strong, intelligent, understanding, supportive, woman. Wow, sounds a lot like another amazing woman I know...hmmm I wonder who could have inherited those genes. I am so blessed to be brought into a family who I know will support a relationship and marriage and will be people we can turn to for guidance.

So this might be a hard one to find a mother-in-law joke to fit, but I'm alright with giving up the ability to make cracks about my mother in law in exchanging for having a loving mother I love.

Entering Into A Mixed Marriage Soon

2008-06-18T17:56:00.002-04:00

I am getting married in February. I am marrying the most awesome woman in the world, a woman who loves Jesus with all her heart and who has become my best friend. Although it isn't official, sense the ring is sitting on my entertainment center and she is sitting in another country until a week from Saturday, we are planning out the budget, date, venue, all the little details that come along with planning a wedding. I have come to realize this is the first big task a couple must perform together and work together at to plan. It is both fun and interesting as I get to learn a little more about Jenn and she gets to learn about more about me in the process. Her mother and father are such a blessing to me and I will have to write about her mother later as that's not what this blogs about.

When Jenn and I get married we will have an instant family of four kids. Two from Tanzania, One Asian, and One South American (I think and if I am wrong look at the comments as I have no doubts Jenn will correct me). I have two kids whom I have taken on the responsibility of caring for and so does Jenn. We both sponsor two children through Compassion International. I think this is so special for a number of reasons. We will be able to write these kids together, share in the awesome experience of watching them grow up and maybe, just maybe we can one day go visit them.

I love the fact we share the same heart for the poor, share the same heart for being able to be blessed by the opportunity to be a part of the lives of God's other children. There you have it, the short story of the mixed family I will be blessed with.

Religion ala Eddie Izzard

2008-06-15T19:09:00.001-04:00

Rerun Time

2008-06-11T22:30:00.005-04:00

------------A couple of comedians, can you guess who is who?----------